I think I'm about to be fucked over at work. Our new director clearly does not care to treat contractors better than dirt. It doesn't help that the one other contractor in our group is a complete and utter moron, and everyone knows it. His contract is about to end, is under review, and may not be renewed. My contract here is up at the end of the month... Lately, a lot of crap that the idiot contractors before me created has been dug up. Our new director doesn't know that everything's been cleaned up by me since I got here... and that I didn't let anything slip through the cracks. All she sees is contractors that withiin this group have screwed up. My manager and my non-conctractor counterpart are so worried about covering their own asses, it wouldn't surprise me if they used me as a scapegoat to keep their jobs. Seems as if they're gonna ax the two of us contractors, and then outsource the portal to a contracting agency.

I've actually done significant work here (even though this last month my productivity slipped a little). I'd venture to say all-in-all I work more efficiently than my counterpart. Being a contractor sux. Being in this position sux. I feel sick to my stomach when things like this are out of my control. I have to play this game... talk to a buncha ppl... I have a month to scheme a place for myself here... or to find another job.

Yeah, I know this isn't interesting read... but let me seethe...

I found out last nite that those crazy dreams aren't done with me yet. I had another one that was longer and more detailed than the ones I had in New York. This time, there were more beings trying to touch me, choke me, and stab me while seizing my mind. The freaky part is that some had faces from my reality. Terror... but after I woke up, I wasn't afraid to go back to sleep like I was the last two times. These aren't demons. They're probably just unresolved figments of my subconscious that get tangled up while I'm in a state of half-awake and half-sleep. I recall that I only have these dreams at the beginning of the nite. Maybe I need to go to bed earlier, or get a bigger bed or a new pillow, or wear less clothing...

Closing remarks re: my New York trip... I could live there for about a year or two, but I'd come back to Cali to raise a family and take care of my parents. I'll do what I need to now so that I'd have the option to do so in about a year and a half or two years... no earlier, no later. (I'm building a new window of time.) I need time to get out of debt and develop job skills, and I'd like time to establish strong bonds with people here before I leave. I know I'll need those bonds in the future... so no matter where I am, I won't feel the unsettling neither-here-nor-there feeling. I'd need to know there is love for me somewhere... to visit or to come back to...

I've had 11 years of piano, but I don't-the-fuck have "piano hands!" My hands are as masculine and muscular as they come. So... I try to fem them up by growing the nails and painting 'em pretty shades of peach and pink with gloss and glitter occasionally... the same way I grow my hair long and color it and highlight it... in hopes that I won't even once be mistaken for a transvestite.

Last nite, while some of us were cooling down from rollerhockey, Karl threw out, "We should have a good fight one of these days. I haven't had a good fight since... junior high?" ... or something like that. He has an interesting idea. I'd thought about it before... I understand my own need/want to fight people. I had a bad case of it during the time I was taking kickboxing classes, and I think a lot of other people have it re-occuringly as well, for various reasons... which may be why movies like Fight Club really hit a cord with the masses.

I'd like to try this out, though I feel a a little silly admitting it. Whether it's individual fighting, or group fighting... I'd try it for the huge rush, and whatever else I'd get out of it (such as the sense of power, the outlet of aggressions, etc). I'm pretty sure I'd get hurt pretty badly, though I probably wouldn't break anything. At this point, I feel so unbreakable. My body is a canvas of scars and bruises... but nothing ever breaks. Sometimes, I'm bothered by how unsightly places like my elbows and ankels are... but I think I've passed the point of no return. I'll never be able to get rid of most of the scars I've collected, without the help of laser surgery; I can never have ultra-feminine, soft, smooth, alabaster skin... so I might as well go the other way, collect these mementos of assault, or not care about how bad they look on a girl.

I think I'd have better results grappling/wrestling than fighting... but that kinda tussling would probably turn me on more than give me an adrenaline rush.

Wanna fight me? Lemme know when/where/how.

Thursday - Hey, Big Apple!

When I first got off the airplane in New York, I was acutely aware of my Cali-ness. I felt as if I had "Here I am Ms. California-Walking-on-Sunshine" written loudly all over a little sign draped around my neck. I immediately sensed a gravity about the place I'd just landed in... It was dark 'cuz it was nighttime, but there also seemed to be a mood darkness that carried with it an amount of weight, will, seriousness, acceptance of the struggle of life, etc. I tend to exoticize places that I'm unfamiliar with, but that's part of the fun I derive from travelling... figuring out what's different and how it makes me feel.

It was after midnight EST when we arrived, so no one was awake to greet us. Seeing and being in the house in Elmhurst where Dave grew up weirded me out initially. Oddly, I felt as if I'd stepped into a scene from my own imagination. I'd come up with what I thought the house would be like from the impressions I've obtained of NY through pictures, movies, and the last time I came here. The house is one big time-capsule. Dave says that not much ever changes here, and I can see that.

A lot has been put into context. For whatever reason, this doesn't seem like the type of environment that would produce a guy like Dave.

Friday - Here a brick, there a brick... everywhere a brick, brick...

Daylight revealed the old look and feel of this area of New York (Queens and Manhattan). In the morning, we took an illegal Chinese van taxi into Chinatown, and then headed uptown to check out The Metropolitan Museum of Art. The Met is awesome, but too big to digest in one day. Museums containing art and artifacts from the past, though fascinating, tend to steer my thoughts toward religion, death, and related (and dreaded) topics. Ugh.

As we walked around the city, I imagined what living here would do for me. I've come back to the questions that were spawned more than two years ago... For how long could I enjoy living in a place like this? What possible scenarios could place me here to live for a time? What is the earliest I could get out here if I wanted to? Would I be able to make enough money working here to get the most out of living here? Should I try to live here with Dave, alone, or with someone else I know? What would be the price of leaving Cali, even if for a short period?

At night, we met up with Dave's friend Lily. We walked around Nolita, Soho, East Village, St. Mark's, and other areas still full of life past midnight. I'd already seen these scenes in 99... so I wasn't blown away like I was first time. First stop for us was Pravda, a lounge with a Russian theme. It was easy to taste the high-quality of the drinks, and I warmed up quickly. The place was full of seemingly older, pan-european white people. I couldn't imagine myself alone or with friends schmoozing at this place. At the next stop, Bar 89, my thoughts turned toward my Bay Area friends... 'cuz the crowd there was somewhat reminiscent of the home crowd. We would have amazingly good times in a place like this... have grand conversations about both the trivial and the not-so-trivial, inspired by well-mixed drinks and trendy settings. Somehow, I imagine we'd have better times out here than we do back home. I wished you were there with me...

Coming home on the subway around 2am, I woke up from a bad dream that I couldn't remember at all. Dave on my left, woman on my right a couple seats down, asleep with her head tilted to the left and resting on her on tits... First time I've seen someone able to do that... I really wanted to remember what I had dreamed, because it felt like a premonition. But all I was left with was a sick/icky feeling... a stuck feeling. The feeling that I am living a lie... that I what I want for my life is not currently possible because I am stuck on something... something that I can't let go of because if I do I will drown...

Saturday - Family Day

Spent most of the day in Queens. Met an assorted bunch of Dave's relatives. Dave's grandma, who lives just a couple doors down from his parents, is such a fun woman. She's 72, but she looks a decade younger... has incredible skin for her age. When she speaks Cantonese, I can understand some of what she says. I'm quite proud of that. Did I make an effort to be charming? With grandma, yes. With everyone else... just a little.

Grandma has a book titled something like "All About Birthdays." Each day of the year has its own page detailing the personality of a person born on that day. I looked up several birthdays that I knew offhand. Holy canoli, the book is amazing! I think I might pick one up for myself when I get back to the Bay Area.

Despite what I'd said before about avoiding the old Everyone.net coworkers, I called Lib to tell her we were going to be at the Gemini Lounge at night with Dave's friend Brian and Brian's friends. I kinda wanted to see if she's still hot and bi, has kept the weight off... and if living in NYC for the last couple of months has been kind to her. I really didn't expect her to meet up with us, and it was probably for the best that she didn't.

There were a lot of pretty women (and men, but I didn't notice them as much) at the lounge. The alcohol was, again, remarkably high-quality compared to what I'm used to lushing on in the Bay Area. So smooth was the lead-in to the buzz. The buzz was also sweeter than usual, and seemed to last five times as long... Too good. pLushious in New York City... the nightlife and the alcohol would be the sure end of me.

Sunday - My feet are ready for a vacation without me...

Right now I'd give anything for a twenty-minute foot massage. When my feet ache from too too much walking, they turn into superduper erogenous zones. Oh pleeeeease... stroke the middle of my soles!

Our lazy asses woke up past noon today. Dave's relatives took us to White Castle for lunch. If they brought the horrible fastfood restaurant into the Bay Area, I'd advise you to stay the hell away from it. Nasty nasty food. Most of the food I've had here in New York has been most excellent. Everything, from the Pizza to the Chinese and Korean food, is a lot greasier, though.

Hm... was it serendipity that I watched the movie Serendipity today? It damn sure felt that way. See it, especially if you're interested in the affairs of my mind lately. Watching the movie almost felt like a sign... kinda like one of the signs in the movie itself.

We went down to Times Square for our destination of the night: The Lion King, the Broadway musical. Fantastic show. I'm too tired to write a review...

Monday - 10:30am

I just got up 30 mins ago. I thought I was going crazy last night around 3am when Dave came to bed. No really. Felt fuckin nuts! I thought I was demon-possessed. The confusion started when I finished up writing about my experiences until now, and saw Dave playing video games in the living room here. The same general dark and weirded-out feeling from Thursday night washed all over me...

I feel as if I've just seen a prequel to the latter episodes of Dave's life... just like seeing Star Wars: Attack of the Clones last week. I've caught a privileged glimpse into Dave's Episode Two, which has allowed me to fill in gaps of info about him that I could not fill from speaking with him or simply observing the person he is currently. I am not sure how this insight will affect the way I interact with him in the future; perhaps when I get back to the Bay Area, what I've seen and felt here will recede into the back of my mind. No matter how I'm affected by this insight, I welcome being elucidated this way. Now I greatly desire the chance to see your Episode Two's... especially if you come from a place I've never been to. Take me there someday...

Anyhow...the above-mentioned feelings evolved into a realization that I feel incredibly empty without my own past close by. I've never lived anywhere else, and my past has always surrounded me. It may limit me, but it also comforts me. Last night, I'd already begun to feel a profound longing for my parents and the people I know back home. At the same time, I'd already started missing the life that I'm not living out here. I don't want to leave this place, but I can't wait to go home.

As I laid in bed, trying to sleep, the dark, weirded-out, empty, neither-here-nor-there feelings then gave way to extreme paranoia. I've had more than one disturbing dream while out here... but the worst one was a result, I believe, of something I saw on at 3am, Saturday morning. On the subway, we missed our exit, and found ourselves in Forest Hills. Rode the long way back into Elmhurst along with a crazy lady. She was talking to another passenger on the bus who showed concern for her well-being. I couldn't figure out what was making her crazy. Could've been drugs, but I wouldn't know what kind. In one of her nonsensical sentences, she dropped the word "exorcism." And that freaked me out like you wouldn't know... That night, I had a dream that I was struggling to rip my mind away from the control of demons. I writhed in bed and called out to Dave to save me, but he couldn't hear me or feel me moving 'cuz I was struggling in the dream, not in reality. I managed to rip away by waking up... panting, heart pounding, cold sweating, but the claws were no longer gripping and twisting my mind. Damn, though...what if I hadn't been able to wake up??

I had the same horrific dream last night. But this time, I was hearing voices. I can't remember what was said... but it was definitely evil. And I couldn't breathe! It seemed like an eternity before I was finally able to fight my way to consciousness, and I was overcome by incredible fear... fear of slipping back into subconsciousness and into inescapable control of the devil... or death. In my desperation, I resorted to prayer. I prayed to the God of my mother to take away the demons that had jumped into my head from the woman on the subway. The next thing I know, I was waking up in the morning. Completely reset. I can't believe what I went through last nite.

Boarding a plane to New York in a couple hours. Freaking out a bit... the usual paranoia. It'd be too ironic if I die now... now when I've determined to do a lot more living and believing. Made some resolutions last nite/this morning that I think are gonna really take me places. Anyhow, I hope at my time of death, the ppl in my life know how much they really meant to me... not just how they fed and housed me, fueled my fantasies, or whatever else... I love easily, and a lot. More than any of you could ever know. I teeeeem with passion.

I'd give you my excess if I could.

I've been at this point before. I know. I feel the deja vu hitting hard... taking me back about two and a half years ago... How the hell did I get here again? Once again, the bittersweet... heavy on the bitter. What happened to me... when exactly did I stop believing... ?

And now, why do I want to believe again?

Because you're sick of longing... You're sick of denial... and settling... and... and... You're just plain sick now... because your unfulfilled desires and unrequited emotions are killing you. They won't go away... and you gotta stop relying on repression for respite. Do something. Do something soon!

"Kneel right there.... Are you comfortable? Now hold it right about... there. Yes, yes. A bit straighter. Gotta see it all. No, don't look at me. Turn your head to the right a bit. Look right about... there. Nope, too much. Go back a little... YES, that's it. Back straight. Shoulders back. Yeah, that's good, real good! HOLD.... Got it! K... now I want u to..."

Yep, took dem pix.

I wish I could have more LIVES. Remember those choose-your-own-adventure books you read when you were a kid? ...and how you'd stick your fingers in the pages of all the other options so that you could go back and experience them after one leads you to an end? I wish I could do that with my life... sorta.

Well, if not lives, I wish I could have more CHARISMA.

If not charisma, then show me more MONEY!!

Winding down the day/nite... Watching TRL. Vanessa Carlton's video is on. They say she started playing "It's a Small World" by ear on the piano at the age of two. That's so special? At three, I surprised my parents by playing "Amazing Grace" by ear on the keyboard just using the black keys. So why must *I* slave away at a boring, frustrating, career-limiting job every single day, while Ms. Carlton makes CDs, music videos, and a career out of my ultimate outlet? I chose this path I'm on... yeah, I did. Maybe I've chosen to go down the wrong one... How many times have I done THAT in my life?

Today, I thought about New York City, and how I had wanted to badly to move there in 2000... Didn't, and probably never will because the window of optimal opportunity has come and gone. There are always windows and doors open in my life, I suppose. Different ones. sometimes many, sometimes just one or two. Some of them are clearly open... nice fine breeze blowing in and caressing my face, enticing me to come outside.. Some of them are open just a crack... but are still open; I just have to put in a little work to fit myself through (after I've peaked through to make sure what's on the otherside is agreeable). Some of them appear to be open, but there are actually screendoors in the way preventing me from freely going through to the other side, though I can stlill smell and breathe in the fresh air... This is an awfully retarded metaphor. I don't know what the hell I'm trying to say right now... or I do, but I'm not able to using this metaphor. I suck.

Received this email this morning...

Date: Tue, 21 May 2002 08:35:42 -0700
Subject: Jennie, buddy, pal

Jennie,

You awake? How was the weekend? I have a small favor. I was exchanging some emails with women here and there. And of course pictures came up. If I send them pictures, they will send me some. Of course these involve one's birthday suit. But tasteful...artsy. Being the photographer you are, maybe I could pay you to take these pics. What do you think?

The top is up,

JD

I know JD, and this is not a joke. First thing that goes through my mind is... is he actually asking for more than it seems he's asking for? Next, I wonder why he thinks I'm qualified for this job... Maybe 'cuz I so need the money and he knows it? Or maybe he's got the notion that I'm crazy enough to agree to do something like this? Does he really think I'd do a decent job snappin his naked pix? Oh FUCK. I just remembered something...

Send me the survey... so I can take it too. Is it a coincidence that we've been self-evaluating more than usual lately? I believe I know who/what I am... but I'm not so certain anymore that I know what's truly best for me. I don't fit any stereotypes I know of... and haven't been in the business of looking for another ME for a long time. I know I'm a girl whose world is currently too small, who chooses fantasy over reality and constantly seeks people to inspire. Is there more about me that I don't know that I should know? Send me the survey.

Have an overabundance of feelings this morning... of the bittersweet variety. I usually can't get enough feelings. Just today they seem a little too much... choking me a bit. Want to let them out badly. Can't wait to get off work to sweat them out at the gym or while playing bball, whichever way I choose to burn my calories tonite...

Before I went up to UC Berkeley yesterday, I thought being on campus would bring up feelings of nostalgia. When I was there, I didn't feel much at all. The place was empty and dead. School was out. I suppose I waited too long to go back and reminisce or get closure or whatever I thought I would get when I went back.

Saw some new things this weekend... Was transfixed by the transvestites at Asia SF on Fri nite. Hot they were. I wanted to touch one to see if they are as soft and smooth as natural women, but was too intimidated to do so. At a club, same nite, saw some glowstick performances that were easy on the eyes despite the fact that I wasn't on e. "The Robot" made a first appearance on Sat nite. I'm closing up the weekend thinking about what my best interests are...

Dave's bday celebration was Sat nite, and lasted early into this morning. I feel as if I did something bad. Someone went home crazy high. Someone went home crushed. Someone went home disappointed in friends. Someone went home confused. Seems like each someone went home or stayed at home w/ a burden, whether small or large. I came home feeling as if I did something bad. Maybe I feel bad about something that I'm not in any real way responsible for... or maybe I'm just feelin bad in general 'cuz I've got blisters on the soles of my feet from playing tourguide today in Berkeley. It hurts to walk.

It was difficult driving home a half an hour ago (had had a couple hits)... was a bit paranoid about cops catching me for not driving straight. I'm pretty sure I was driving straight, but I was paranoid that I wasn't. I was tense the whole drive up, and reminded myself every other second that my life and Dave's life are literally in my hands at the moment. And now I'm here, hoping to ride it out and write it out. I can't control the weather, just like I can't control the emotional climate w/in a group. What, if anything, has changed because tonite happened? Do not understand or do not like or do not accept? What's so freakn wrong w/ the things I do? I get silly drunk sometimes... so what? What do they all want from me? Nothing much, is what I'd suspected. As if they actually really really care... I want to sleep now. Too tired for thought.

Sometimes I think that my philosophies are actually excuses that I've made for what I do with my life, which I've come to believe.

At least they are my own philosophies... no one else fed them to me but me.

I've been wanting new clothes for quite awhile. I used to shop often and buy new outfits on a bi-monthly basis before the year 2001. What you wear does have the potential to make or break your social life. But it doesn't usually have that drastic of an effect. Yes, if you're a girl, it can really make a difference in how much you get noticed. We've all seen this happen... Girl strutting around up ahead wearing hot, trendy garb. She's guaranteed a look by most guys passing by. Can't help but try to catch a glimpse of her face to see if it lives up to the hype. Whoops. Nice clothes on a nice body... But'erface. Different girl... Pretty, but in frumpy clothing, doesn't get noticed from behind as much. Oh, unless her hair is especially nice... long... Another guaranteed look. I dunno... maybe the hair part is just me.

Why do I want new clothes? To even the playing field, I guess. I hate feeling as if I'm at any sort of disadvantage, even if it's small... and even if I might not really need the extra edge at this time. I'm just fuckin competitive like this...

So I did some thinking last nite, as I'd been prompted to during the day, about my happiness with what I have... The not-so-startling conclusion is... TADA! Yes, I AM happy. Relatively. (And relatively counts as enough for now.) Great, I can finally go ahead and email Brian to let him know. Best to let him know the truth...

At the end of the day, I control ALL of my on-off switches. That makes me happy. That's what I believe. You may try to prove me wrong (tempt me, test me, try to depress me)... I welcome a challenge. In the meantime, I see that the Balance remains in place... YEEESSS!

White chix are way overrated. Most of 'em are just a buncha big boobies.

That applies only to Asian WOMEN, silly...