Song of the week: Blurry - Puddle of Mudd

Dave is a guy I could marry. He could market himself as one of the most marriable young men in the computer science world right now! He's so lovable, tho maybe not necessary in-love-able... and I would marry him, even tho he's not a soulmate.

I believe I am happy now, despite less-than-ideal circumstances, because I have actually grown to love who I am on the inside. It took so long to reach this point. Now I just hope other people exist who could and would love me for who I am, for what makes me unique... not for the generic qualities I possess.

I've actually been sort of happy these last couple of weeks. I'm happier than I have been in over a year. Never before, in my recollection, have I been this bored, fat, poor, and happy all at the same time... Mid-20s life for me is different than I imagined it would b when I was in my teens...

Anyhow, Dave has met my parents. I see his meeting them as another one of those win-win decisions. Note to self: Alcohol makes Dave horny, and getting him drunk guarantees me nookie. Second note to self: Stock up on the rum and coke.

I've been thinking a lot, but I haven't been writing here a lot.

Sometimes it's rewarding going to the gym even when I don't get a decent workout. Oh man... some o' the guys there look reeeaal good. GIDDYUP!! I think I'm not losing weight because I can't actually visualize myself being any smaller. I'm tired of trying...

I've been listening to faerie music all day... it's been bringing up familiar feelings... feelings that don't really have any specific associated memories. Just feelings... but then (since I'm thoroughly bored here at work) I try to recall the last time I felt them...

I remember Brian. Somehow my thots still float back to him, time after time... Not feelings of remorse or regret... more like nostalgia without the longing. He always felt like home... Maybe I would feel guilty if I let myself forget him and the period of my life which he inhabited... so I make a conscious effort not to. Seems too soon to...

The memories are virtually painless now anyhow.

That I'm high-strung is a known fact.

I am severely undersexed. I've got a one-minute, one-day-a-week man... and that's only on a good week. I'm so damn frustrated. Pimping myself out for some extra dough suddenly doesn't sound like such a low-down, dirty idea...

I've gotta keep on remembering/convincing myself that I'm doing the best that I can for myself right now. I'm constantly trying to figure out how I can be more efficient with and make the most of what I currently have.

I go crazy thinking about how different/improved my life would be with more money. Don't feel sorry for all those pps who earned their 80k+ 'til the day they were laid off! Feel sorry for ME!! I was trying to build a life from ground zero. Now I'm comin back up from a very negative net worth... I'll come right out and say it... I'm a whopping 22k in debt w/ the credit card mongers. How I managed to get into unmanageable debt within a year and a half is an issue in itself...

Just a temporary setback... but how temporary?

Fall is upon us. Wonderful season... full of beauty. And I want a new jacket. I want new shoes. I want to b able to buy my own meals. I want to b able to travel during the holidays. I want to b able to buy gifts for the ppl I love. I want a framed picture for my living room. I want my own computer. I want new tires for my car.

The list is endless... what money could buy me. A LOT. Basically, freedom... and a life that *I* feel is worth the trouble living. It's gonna take a shitload of patience for me to wait until I gain back that freedom...

It's a pity when bad relationships happen to good people... esp. during the time when their personalities are still developing, when they are still trying to figure out the truth about themselves and how they fit into this world, when they're not mature enough to understand, accept, and learn how to deal with human nature... Being so close together during these formative years, they become too huge an influence on each other's characters... their lives become so tightly meshed and dependent on each other for legitimacy. So when one starts desiring to experience life outside of the web, it crumbles... and parting is nothing short of the sweetest sorrow.

Good people. Bad timing.

Take Brian, for instance.

Enya says... Only Time. Don't try to fix things now. Let new friends, new experiences, new loves, and new memories bring on the realization that life persists past youthful love and pain...

...and leave the drama at home! The general public doesn't need to witness such an awkward display of angst. Go get yourselves blogspots, or something...

Ok. Until next time, take care of yourselves... and each other. :)

I've spent the whole day thinking about my financial situation... I need about $200 this month to cover my bills. Where's the $$ gonna come from... only God knows...

I am SO freakn strapped for cash... and there isn't much I wouldn't do for it. I'm constantly thinking of how I can earn a buck or two... what can I sell, what can I cut out of my life... Not much. Don't got no assets... and I'm already living a life of deprivation... :(

This blog isn't meant to b my bitching post. But I'll let u know up front that it's NOT going to b filled with funny, cutesy, smart little anecdotes... just the straight up truth re: me.

First entry... I always thot I had lots to say... lots to get off my mind. But for some odd reason, I'm drawing a blank right now...

Well mainly, I want to use this to track my progress towards the two relatively short-term goals I've set for myself:

1) lose and keep off at least 10 lbs
- A bunch of my friends have recently lost a lotta weight. And geez... losing just 5-10 lbs really makes a difference! Who'd have guessed there were hothot chix under all those layers o' flab! :P j/k. I'm really impressed with their accomplishments, and would like the same for myself... within the next half a year.

2) get out and stay out of debt
- At my current pay rate, it will take me an estimated 5 years to pay down my debt. It's terribly painful for me to cut back on life the way I have been lately in order to accomplish this goal. But I realize now that the future IS gonna happen to me, no matter what... so I gotta plan for that future instead of living each day as if it may b my last...