I don't always feel as if I have a boyfriend. I mean, I am completely aware that I have one, and he's been great. But he seems like such a given... Probably because I haven't been single in so long that having a boyfriend seems to me like having parents...
In the ideal, I would find a guy that's got a combo of the best characteristics of the lot of men I've gotten involved with: Albert's music ambition and artsy-ness; Psycho-ex's sappy, flattering romantic side, openness, and sculpted bod; Brian's genius, uniqueness, athleticism, creativity, sense of humor, taste in music and movies, level of masculinity, and sensitive sweetness; Dave's indulgence, financial success drive, and babyish antics; the libido of the guys I've had flings with and/or lusted over. Such a man might exist, and if I met him I'd need to brush up on my charm and appeal.
12.28.2001
I saw the movie A Beautiful Mind last nite. Schizophrenia is quite an interesting condition, as portrayed (and perhaps also slightly glamorized) in the movie. The movie focused a lot more on how the condition affected those around John Nash, and not as much as how he felt about it. The lack of insight into his feelings made him appear to be relatively content in his madness... in that unreal world where he actually had close, interesting friends and an extremely important purpose. Doesn't sound like to me like such a bad a life. There must be much that the movie left out...
I feel a bit depersonalized these days. Maybe I am too focused on a couple of things, not that that's a bad thing... I've been doing mostly what's beneficial for just me instead of what's beneficial for me AND the group(s) around me. (The movie last nite made me think about this...) And the result is that I'm not focusing so much on changing myself to be better for my friends or others in addition to myself for all my intents and pursposes. I'm making some new year's resolutions that I hope I'll stick to... because ultimately it's in my best interest to keep myslf interesting enough for ppl to wanna involve me in their lives regularly.
I feel a bit depersonalized these days. Maybe I am too focused on a couple of things, not that that's a bad thing... I've been doing mostly what's beneficial for just me instead of what's beneficial for me AND the group(s) around me. (The movie last nite made me think about this...) And the result is that I'm not focusing so much on changing myself to be better for my friends or others in addition to myself for all my intents and pursposes. I'm making some new year's resolutions that I hope I'll stick to... because ultimately it's in my best interest to keep myslf interesting enough for ppl to wanna involve me in their lives regularly.
12.20.2001
2001. Not the best year of my life, but I can fairly say it's not been close to the worst one yet. (There's always those years w/ Psycho-ex.) It's ending on a more positive note than it started.
All in all, I'm in the best living and financial situation possible at this time and w/ what I've got to work with. I'm getting the max out of every cent I make. Not many regrets about how I went about my biz this year, tho truth be told, I can remember so few things about it...
2001
******
New hobbies:
rollerhockey, fantasy nba, cooking (assisted), blogging (tho not frequently), large group sports activities
Dropped hobbies:
buying one or more new outfit(s) once a month, playing badminton, hanging out w/ bi-sexual women, answering email, answering cell phone calls, getting monthly facials, manicures & pedicures, cutting & coloring my hair every two months, flirting, running, indulging in expensive activities in general
New men:
N/A
New fetishes:
slightly chunky, and large anything... esp. nipples and lips
Guilts:
1) the way I broke up with Brian
2) allowing Dave to pay for most of what we do together
I'm looking out for myself before others, and that's my bottom line these days.
Known faults:
envy of the more affluent, inability to make activity committments - VERY flaky, always late
2002
******
Resolutions:
lose those extra 10 pounds, get a higher-paying permanent job, maintain better posture, be a little more "sunny," be less late, spend more time w/ friends learning about the details of their lives
All in all, I'm in the best living and financial situation possible at this time and w/ what I've got to work with. I'm getting the max out of every cent I make. Not many regrets about how I went about my biz this year, tho truth be told, I can remember so few things about it...
2001
******
New hobbies:
rollerhockey, fantasy nba, cooking (assisted), blogging (tho not frequently), large group sports activities
Dropped hobbies:
buying one or more new outfit(s) once a month, playing badminton, hanging out w/ bi-sexual women, answering email, answering cell phone calls, getting monthly facials, manicures & pedicures, cutting & coloring my hair every two months, flirting, running, indulging in expensive activities in general
New men:
N/A
New fetishes:
slightly chunky, and large anything... esp. nipples and lips
Guilts:
1) the way I broke up with Brian
2) allowing Dave to pay for most of what we do together
I'm looking out for myself before others, and that's my bottom line these days.
Known faults:
envy of the more affluent, inability to make activity committments - VERY flaky, always late
2002
******
Resolutions:
lose those extra 10 pounds, get a higher-paying permanent job, maintain better posture, be a little more "sunny," be less late, spend more time w/ friends learning about the details of their lives
12.06.2001
Song of the day: Seven Days - Craig David
Time for some cheesy fiction.
Tackle football in the drizzle... The sun was setting, and the chill started to set in. But competition and comaraderie drove the group to keep on playing hard, though muscles were sore and bones were bruised. The score was pretty even... but that will soon change, she mused as she ran to get open for a pass from the QB. He saw her wide open, and sent the ball straight into her ready hands... Off she sprinted, not looking at all behind her. This is the win, she thought... as she got within a several steps of the endzone... Suddenly, she felt hands on both sides of her waist...
You're goin down now sweetie...
The next thing she felt was his body thumping into her back after his arms curled around her... pushing her forward toward the ground at great speed. Her shoulder slammed into the muddy grass, and an instant later he was pulling her with him as he came down and rolled around in the mess. When they came to a stop, she shook her head to rid of the dizziness, and took one look at the tackler... She saw in his eyes the playful taunt of a regular rival.
Too slow, too weak, Cali girl!
Oh yeah, you think? She rose up first and pushed him back into the ground with her arm... but not before he had grabbed it and once again pulled her along with him into the dirtiness. They wrestled for the dominant position for the next couple of seconds. There was a ripping sound as his shirt tore at the collar... and she found herself with the upperhand. She had him in a straddle as rubbed his face into the mud and asked him... Who wants his mommy now, huh?
Suddenly, his back arched, and he toppled her over onto her side. He was up and on top of her before she had a chance to recover. Feisty little bitch, you are...
She felt his weight and heat and smelled the sweat of his attempts to bring her down. She writhed to get out from under him, grunting a bit with each bit of effort. But he was too strong and heavy to overturn... and when she gave up and stopped moving, and they were almost still, panting into each other's faces, chests pounding hard from the struggle and from the challenge.
And then... Ohhh, my god... She was suddenly comsumed by that delicious feeling.... rising from her belly, through her chest, up her throat, and into her mouth... The undeniable chemistry that had been there from the very beginning, since the day they had first met, rose to the occassion in a hurry... This passion between them to show each other up had masked a latent and yet unfulfilled desire... She so wanted him, violently and forcefully...
She had been completely oblivious to the people standing around the two of them, enjoying the scene she had started, until... Oh go get a room!
The next instant, she was back to reality. She shook him off and jumped up quickly, ready for another attempt to score...
Time for some cheesy fiction.
Tackle football in the drizzle... The sun was setting, and the chill started to set in. But competition and comaraderie drove the group to keep on playing hard, though muscles were sore and bones were bruised. The score was pretty even... but that will soon change, she mused as she ran to get open for a pass from the QB. He saw her wide open, and sent the ball straight into her ready hands... Off she sprinted, not looking at all behind her. This is the win, she thought... as she got within a several steps of the endzone... Suddenly, she felt hands on both sides of her waist...
You're goin down now sweetie...
The next thing she felt was his body thumping into her back after his arms curled around her... pushing her forward toward the ground at great speed. Her shoulder slammed into the muddy grass, and an instant later he was pulling her with him as he came down and rolled around in the mess. When they came to a stop, she shook her head to rid of the dizziness, and took one look at the tackler... She saw in his eyes the playful taunt of a regular rival.
Too slow, too weak, Cali girl!
Oh yeah, you think? She rose up first and pushed him back into the ground with her arm... but not before he had grabbed it and once again pulled her along with him into the dirtiness. They wrestled for the dominant position for the next couple of seconds. There was a ripping sound as his shirt tore at the collar... and she found herself with the upperhand. She had him in a straddle as rubbed his face into the mud and asked him... Who wants his mommy now, huh?
Suddenly, his back arched, and he toppled her over onto her side. He was up and on top of her before she had a chance to recover. Feisty little bitch, you are...
She felt his weight and heat and smelled the sweat of his attempts to bring her down. She writhed to get out from under him, grunting a bit with each bit of effort. But he was too strong and heavy to overturn... and when she gave up and stopped moving, and they were almost still, panting into each other's faces, chests pounding hard from the struggle and from the challenge.
And then... Ohhh, my god... She was suddenly comsumed by that delicious feeling.... rising from her belly, through her chest, up her throat, and into her mouth... The undeniable chemistry that had been there from the very beginning, since the day they had first met, rose to the occassion in a hurry... This passion between them to show each other up had masked a latent and yet unfulfilled desire... She so wanted him, violently and forcefully...
She had been completely oblivious to the people standing around the two of them, enjoying the scene she had started, until... Oh go get a room!
The next instant, she was back to reality. She shook him off and jumped up quickly, ready for another attempt to score...
It's funny how a bad kiss can totally dispel a torrid crush. Could be the way the lips feel or taste, or the technique and type of kiss... It's bad, and suddenly the person in front of u is no longer the cause of sleepless nites and anxious daydreams. There you are, snapped out of your little fantasy...
Kisses say volumes. They provide insight into the level of passion the person is able to bestow upon you. They tell you WHO (type of person) you're kissing...
Do not PECK me. I dig big, luscious lips... slow, full-mouth, probing kisses...
Kisses say volumes. They provide insight into the level of passion the person is able to bestow upon you. They tell you WHO (type of person) you're kissing...
Do not PECK me. I dig big, luscious lips... slow, full-mouth, probing kisses...
12.04.2001
A bit frustrated... 'cuz I have stuff to put up on this blog, but not enough time to do so. I've had a lot of work to do lately. And when I go home, and after I eat and workout, that's the end of my day...
I like being busy here at work. Makes me feel responsible for something other than my personal life. I don't necessarily like to stop what I'm doing and take the time to record what I've been up to here... but I know I must. Or I will remember nothing...
I like being busy here at work. Makes me feel responsible for something other than my personal life. I don't necessarily like to stop what I'm doing and take the time to record what I've been up to here... but I know I must. Or I will remember nothing...