Alright. Here I am. I've been sleeping 8 to 9 hours a nite... but still, I could sleep for hours longer. It's so painful to get up and out. I would like to just sleep for another 2 or three hours, and then get up and move to the couch and sit in front of the TV for the rest of the day... basically killing time until I can hop back into bed. Mental lights out. Yeah. I've lost my motivation to live again. I'm not depressed. At least I don't think I am... because I don't feel sad. Just UNMOTIVATED. And maybe despondent. I just don't feel as if I have much of anything to look forward to in the near future... Therefore, I don't feel like hurrying out of the one place I feel so perfectly warm, relaxed, and at ease. It's hard to look forward to a far-off future when my next five years will be spent living just like this... with no money to do or have the things that bring MEANING to my life. Money provides the freedom to do or have those kindsa things... and five years seems like much too long to have to wait sometimes. Why am I so impatient? Why am I so pessimistic? I need to rid myself of the philosophy that "if I can't get what I want out of my life, then it's not worth living."
I will snap out of this in a week or so. But for now, this is why it's hard for me to get myself out of my comfort zone... the bed, the house...
1.23.2002
1.22.2002
Life sux rite now. Today. This moment. Sometimes just how bothered I am about my poverty-stricken condition becomes frustratingly apparent, and the masochist in me compels me to berate myself about it for the nth time... I hate how the best I can do rite now, today, at this moment just is NOT cutting it. I know I won't be happy simply doing the best that I can for the rest of my life if I don't rise much further above this level. I need to do it soon... I feel as if I'm wasting my life.
If my pain-tolerance wasn't so low, and I realized I'd never rise above this level, I'd join the Army. I'd like to be a special agent, like the Delta Force guys in Black Hawk Down. Well, even then, I'd be pissed if I didn't have the physical or mental aptitude to be a good soldier.
If my pain-tolerance wasn't so low, and I realized I'd never rise above this level, I'd join the Army. I'd like to be a special agent, like the Delta Force guys in Black Hawk Down. Well, even then, I'd be pissed if I didn't have the physical or mental aptitude to be a good soldier.
1.18.2002
Ethan Zohn, winner of Survivor 3 Africa's million dollars is an absolute HOTTIE. U read about him and think... what more could I possibly want?? Well, that's the thing... We only seem to see certain sides of ppl who are in shobiz... the side of them that the showbizpplmakers want us to see. Fully fabricated, partially, or not... how would we know? I wish I had ppl to glaze me over... to present me as a much better person than I really am, blemish-free in all my pictures, never wearing clothes which do not flatter my figure... to pick out my meals and my charities for me, write my lines so I never blurt out what's really on my mind -- the mundane stuff I imagine few ppl are really interested in...
1.10.2002
I know what it is... I'm much too serious. And I'm not funny. Well, what I say doesn't make other ppl chuckle, snicker, roar, or think I'm clever.
But *I* think I'm funny. And I'm fine w/ other ppl not thinking I'm funny. I don't think most other people are funny when they try to be funny. Every joke, every sarcastic remark - well, almost every - has been played out. Overdone. No longer funny to me and worthy of a laugh. Most of the time, people make me laugh NOT at what they're saying but how they're acting, when they're not intentionally acting. I hate when ppl laugh at other ppl's jokes when they're not funny... It's like undue praise.
But *I* think I'm funny. And I'm fine w/ other ppl not thinking I'm funny. I don't think most other people are funny when they try to be funny. Every joke, every sarcastic remark - well, almost every - has been played out. Overdone. No longer funny to me and worthy of a laugh. Most of the time, people make me laugh NOT at what they're saying but how they're acting, when they're not intentionally acting. I hate when ppl laugh at other ppl's jokes when they're not funny... It's like undue praise.
If the stupid radio worked in my office, I'd be able to expose myself to better music... Oh, also if I wasn't banned from using a PC here and all the wonderful Microsoft products and audio programs out there that are made to run on Windows but not Solaris... Oh well, I'm coping.
Among my rhockey (rollerhockey) group o friends, there's been a lot o luv in the air within the last couple of weeks, maybe two months or so. Like malaria. Or I dunno... But I'm actually going to mention names here. Wow... never really talked about other ppl but ME here. So this will b a nice change from the usual "I don't have money so my life sux" posts that you've been bombarded w/ since the inception of this thing...
Here goes. So take Jason and Karin for example... two resesrved people who I don't know yet too too well and hardly ever really see. But I suspect I know enough to know trust them (they're both genuinely good people)... and to feel like they have really found something special when they met each other. Characterwise, so similar. So compatible. I can't imagine what could ever break them apart now that they are together. How could they NOT be together from this day forward until the end? Why did I bring this up... Well, because this is a first for me... seeing two people my age getting together that really seem to belong to each other from the beginning. It feels good to see it... I mean, I don't have any doubts about them, whereas whenever I see other couples, I always feel some degree of doubt that the two will stay together... I dunno... maybe I'm just seeing whatever I wanna see.
Among my rhockey (rollerhockey) group o friends, there's been a lot o luv in the air within the last couple of weeks, maybe two months or so. Like malaria. Or I dunno... But I'm actually going to mention names here. Wow... never really talked about other ppl but ME here. So this will b a nice change from the usual "I don't have money so my life sux" posts that you've been bombarded w/ since the inception of this thing...
Here goes. So take Jason and Karin for example... two resesrved people who I don't know yet too too well and hardly ever really see. But I suspect I know enough to know trust them (they're both genuinely good people)... and to feel like they have really found something special when they met each other. Characterwise, so similar. So compatible. I can't imagine what could ever break them apart now that they are together. How could they NOT be together from this day forward until the end? Why did I bring this up... Well, because this is a first for me... seeing two people my age getting together that really seem to belong to each other from the beginning. It feels good to see it... I mean, I don't have any doubts about them, whereas whenever I see other couples, I always feel some degree of doubt that the two will stay together... I dunno... maybe I'm just seeing whatever I wanna see.
I'm confused by women. I don't really know what I think about them... I'm a woman, but I don't really feel like an Earth woman. I feel like I am a third gender. I've said this before...
Anyhow, women give me strange feelings. With guys, everything's pretty cut and dry. I either like him or I don't. He's cool or he ain't. But with women, it's one day at a time. She's a skanky bitch one day, and I wanna see her fall flat on her face and embarrass herself. She's a sweetie angel the next, and I wanna b her best friend for life. Tomorrow I will be jealous of her new clothes and her money and her figure and the attention she gets but doesn't deserve. But today she's so cute I can't stop staring and caring, and I wanna hold her in my arms...
Maybe she feels the same way about me...
Anyhow, women give me strange feelings. With guys, everything's pretty cut and dry. I either like him or I don't. He's cool or he ain't. But with women, it's one day at a time. She's a skanky bitch one day, and I wanna see her fall flat on her face and embarrass herself. She's a sweetie angel the next, and I wanna b her best friend for life. Tomorrow I will be jealous of her new clothes and her money and her figure and the attention she gets but doesn't deserve. But today she's so cute I can't stop staring and caring, and I wanna hold her in my arms...
Maybe she feels the same way about me...
I write here only while I'm at work and connected... which is when I'm not doing much insightful thinking at all. Not that I really need, in any way, to justify the fact that my blog is rather boring and redundant and contains nothing much of interest to anyone but myself. :P
To date, I've not written much about the day-to-day stuff - people and events - that goes on around me (but doesn't necessarily involve me), but maybe I will from now on just so you'll think I have more of a life than currently appears. Yeah, i DO care what you think... to some extent. :)
Ok. So what did I do yesterday... Work as usual. And the site our group produced still works off and on and is probably the most shameful thing I've been associated w/ (in a work situation) in my whole history of employment. I didn't develop it. All I do is confirm what a malfunctional piece of shit it is with every bug I find.
Hm... If I was ever offered the chance to look into my own future, I would turn the opp'ty down. Vehemently. VEE-uh-mently. I would never want to know in advance what's to become of me. It could only disappoint me... which would make me wanna end my life right here and now and spare the air for someone else. And if it was better than I'd expect, then I'd just lose motivation to get outta this yucky rut of destitution that I'm in... So either way, any motivation for working hard right now towards success would b killed.
Well, on with yesterday... I came home from work and ate beef with rice for the third meal in a row. I eat meals in rows these days 'cuz we make the leftovers last as long as possible. I coulda had the same stuff FOUR meals in a row if I'd packed it up for lunch today. But the thot made my stomach churn... Ok, now this is silly. I'm rambling and wasting internet space. Don't worry... I'll eventually come to a nice comfortable medium amount of blah to put up here.
I went to a rollerhockey game last nite. Much of what I take away from experiences are feelings, tho. I don't really know what I felt coming away from that experience... not too much, I guess. I'm going to go now. I will try again (to spruce this blog up a bit) later...
To date, I've not written much about the day-to-day stuff - people and events - that goes on around me (but doesn't necessarily involve me), but maybe I will from now on just so you'll think I have more of a life than currently appears. Yeah, i DO care what you think... to some extent. :)
Ok. So what did I do yesterday... Work as usual. And the site our group produced still works off and on and is probably the most shameful thing I've been associated w/ (in a work situation) in my whole history of employment. I didn't develop it. All I do is confirm what a malfunctional piece of shit it is with every bug I find.
Hm... If I was ever offered the chance to look into my own future, I would turn the opp'ty down. Vehemently. VEE-uh-mently. I would never want to know in advance what's to become of me. It could only disappoint me... which would make me wanna end my life right here and now and spare the air for someone else. And if it was better than I'd expect, then I'd just lose motivation to get outta this yucky rut of destitution that I'm in... So either way, any motivation for working hard right now towards success would b killed.
Well, on with yesterday... I came home from work and ate beef with rice for the third meal in a row. I eat meals in rows these days 'cuz we make the leftovers last as long as possible. I coulda had the same stuff FOUR meals in a row if I'd packed it up for lunch today. But the thot made my stomach churn... Ok, now this is silly. I'm rambling and wasting internet space. Don't worry... I'll eventually come to a nice comfortable medium amount of blah to put up here.
I went to a rollerhockey game last nite. Much of what I take away from experiences are feelings, tho. I don't really know what I felt coming away from that experience... not too much, I guess. I'm going to go now. I will try again (to spruce this blog up a bit) later...
1.03.2002
Top 5 things I constantly think of doing, but won't do because I'm slightly better off NOT:
1. Moving back into my parents' house... to use the money I'm blowing away in rent to pay off my debts in half the time (around two and a half years instead of 5).
2. Whoring myself out... or doing anything else illegal but lucrative that doesn't require/involve firearms, just for some pocket change... so I can live a slightly more intense life while I'm still considered young.
3. Cheating on Dave - only for sex and the bit of romance I crave while I'm poor and in need of an emotional high of sorts.
4. Moving out of the Bay Area and starting a completely new life in another big, brite city on the US coast.
5. Giving religion another chance... at least reconsidering and exploring the possibility of life after death.
1. Moving back into my parents' house... to use the money I'm blowing away in rent to pay off my debts in half the time (around two and a half years instead of 5).
2. Whoring myself out... or doing anything else illegal but lucrative that doesn't require/involve firearms, just for some pocket change... so I can live a slightly more intense life while I'm still considered young.
3. Cheating on Dave - only for sex and the bit of romance I crave while I'm poor and in need of an emotional high of sorts.
4. Moving out of the Bay Area and starting a completely new life in another big, brite city on the US coast.
5. Giving religion another chance... at least reconsidering and exploring the possibility of life after death.
1.02.2002
I still love classical music, the stuff that penetrates to the true core of me and elicits emotions that I don't otherwise experience in everyday life... anymore. I don't think anyone in my circle of friends has the same or even AN appreciation for classical music. For some silly (or maybe not so silly) reason, I equate level of appreciation of such things with level of depth...
Sometimes, but only sometimes, that bothers me... the seeming lack of someone in my life who can feel to the same depth or feels simply similarly. Maybe I'd have to make music with someone to feel that level with another person... I sort of feel an emptiness without a musician in my life. Hm... or maybe what I'm really missing is MYSELF the musician...
Sometimes, but only sometimes, that bothers me... the seeming lack of someone in my life who can feel to the same depth or feels simply similarly. Maybe I'd have to make music with someone to feel that level with another person... I sort of feel an emptiness without a musician in my life. Hm... or maybe what I'm really missing is MYSELF the musician...
1.01.2002
GREAT. A brand-spankin new year that already has too much pressure to be hell of a lot better than 2001... I really hope it can live up. I hope *I* can live up to the expectations I have of myself for the coming year as well.
This morning I woke up and headed straight to the internet to search for a higher-paying, more secure job. It's mid-morning, and I'm already discouraged. I still have a lot of thinking to do... need direction. But I don't feel as if I have enough options rite now. Without any money to begin with, I can't take any classes that will help me jumpstart an actual career... can't take many risks in how/where I spend my time. Need to keep on earning money, no matter what... even if it's not much.
Last nite, I was thinking that if I started a band I'd call us Orifice. But then I looked on the internet and found out the name is already taken... several times.
I could have more money by moving back to my parents' home... and using the extra 6k or so a year to pay off my debts. I wrestle with this option frequently.
This morning I woke up and headed straight to the internet to search for a higher-paying, more secure job. It's mid-morning, and I'm already discouraged. I still have a lot of thinking to do... need direction. But I don't feel as if I have enough options rite now. Without any money to begin with, I can't take any classes that will help me jumpstart an actual career... can't take many risks in how/where I spend my time. Need to keep on earning money, no matter what... even if it's not much.
Last nite, I was thinking that if I started a band I'd call us Orifice. But then I looked on the internet and found out the name is already taken... several times.
I could have more money by moving back to my parents' home... and using the extra 6k or so a year to pay off my debts. I wrestle with this option frequently.