My network connection fuckin sucks here at work right now. For those of you who don't already know, I work at Sun Microsystems. "The Network is the computer," or more recently, "We make the Net Work." Yeah right. Every single day. My network connection limits my productivity tenfold. Browser pages take 30 seconds to 5 minutes to load. Applications take 20 seconds to save documents... etc.

Well, I'm more or less satisfied here in this position now. On Monday, I'll finally be earning within 1k of what I was earning yearly nearly two years ago. I've worked hard to get within 5k of what I used to earn... Not there yet, but I'm on my way, full speed ahead... Pure blood, sweat, and tears.

Last nite I had dinner with Allie. Every time I talk to her, I move a step closer to complete closure. I met Allie in June 2000 when I was looking for a new place to live. Instead of moving in to her house, I moved into her workplace. That was the beginning of the end of my 2k-a-month (on wining/dining, drinking/partying, travelling/exploring, shopping/pampering, totally LIVING to the max) lifestyle. After a couple of months of insanity at that whorehouse, and the aftermath, I was left with 20k credit card debt and 26k in lost wages, very little self-confidence, shame and guilt for having to depend on someone else for my meals and entertainment, and bi-sexual "friends" I have since worked on trying to stay out of touch with. Except Allie. She apologizes profusely each and every time we talk, for enticing me into the place of debauchery... (I don't blame her... It was entirely my decision.) She's so anxious to leave there, and I'm doing all I can to help her get out. Oh and she's not bi-sexual.

Once she finds a great new job, I will be able to slam the door completely shut and dead bolt it down behind me. THAT'S when you'll finally stop having to hear about all this shit again and again...

You're Wakka! Sometimes you can be a little biased, and very emotional (especially if its relating to family and close friends). You'll often judge individuals by how they look, or their background rather by getting to know them personally. You have a short temper, raging emotions... but you're usually fun to be with.

Which Final Fantasy X Character would YOU be? Take the test.

My wisdom teeth are hurting me. The lower left ached terribly yesterday. I've been putting off getting all my wisdom teeth taken out for nearly a decade. My dentist, who is also my uncle, says that the older I am when I get them out, the more suffering there will be. Them roots are probably pretty long and deep by now. So why didn't I get these puppies taken out before, and why am I not jumping to make an appointment to get them taken out now? Same reason... overwhelming fear of death. Local anesthesia is out of the question; I couldn't bear to watch them stick those sharp tools in my mouth, feel the pressure of the scalpels, see my blood through the suction tube, etc. I'd have nightmares and phantom pains for days. But I'm so afraid that if they knock me completely out, I'd never wake up again. Back 10 years ago, I heard that there was a high risk of that type of thing happening... I must've read it somewhere. I guess I should try to find current stats for complete anesthesia today or soon... and even so, I'm going to have to wait until I have some money to spend on the procedure.

Everyone's gotta be allowed to have someone in their lives that they don't like for no really good reason...

I like about 85% of the people I meet at first sight. Pretty high percentage. I'd say up to 80% of the ppl that I initially dislike I give second chances. But there's that small percentage who, no matter how nice they really are or no matter how unmerited my dislike for them, I don't give any chances to get into my good graces. They're lost causes. I like to dislike them. And I'm stubborn about it.

Examples of types I don't like...

1) women with hair that's too short
2) men who look like women with hair that's too short
3) women who prefer the company of men but who pretend to like women
4) people who are too cheerful all the time
5) people who embrace drama
6) men who perceive women as objects or toys
7) women who remind me of young boys

Fixations. What're yours? I've had an oral fixation for forever. I think now I have a death fixation too... 'Course those fixations are two totally different kinds. I mean, I don't like death and don't wanna experience it in any way. It's just... I think I dwell on it more than others around me...

Well, I received an email the other day... It's about Maria, Andrea's sister, who was shot and killed last year in June. The email is an invitation. Her friends and family are celebrating her birthday all day next weekend -- visiting the site where she was shot and the cemetary where she rests, and starting a foundation for her during a dinner party in the evening - and my presence at these "festivities" has been requested .

I really really want to support my friend Andrea... like I wanted to when the death just happened. But... I could hardly deal with the situation back then, and I still can't quite. It's been many months. I have avoided seeing Andrea since the first month. I have tried to keep in touch with her through email. But I never know what to say, and my emails are two-liners. She doesn't ever write back. I understand that... and I know what I should be doing is visiting her. I just can't bring myself to... It's hard to even talk about her. I am so averse to remembering Maria's death. Andrea and her friends and family seem so obssessed with immersing themselves in it... for as long as possible. Not willing to forget and move on. And I suppose that's natural. And good for them. But it makes me sick to think about it all now. I don't think I will ever dissociate Andrea from that death. I can't hang out with her. I don't want her to think I am only a fair-weather friend. But I have no will to allow myself to suffer along with her at this time.

I'll contribute to the foundation, but I won't participate in the the celebration of a dead person's birthday. Poor as I am, I would rather contribute than find myself in a cemetery, donning a sad, frowny face, scrambling for words to say to a teary-eyed Andrea and family, and dwelling on the questions of life and death that trouble me enough as it is...

Please forgive me, Andrea.

Dissident Reign.

I've been thinking over the last couple months that if I got to name a summon or aeon or some 'specially awesome move within a video game, I'd bestow Dissident Reign. I like the sound of that because it sounds like "distant rain" or "dissident rain" or "distant reign."

I wish I had the talent necessary to work at a game company and help develop characters and storylines and names of various things within games.

In college, I used to wonder which I'd pick if I was offered either perfect skin or a perfect body. Like, if I ran into a genie, and those were my only two wish options... Back then, my bod wasn't all that bad but I had more than my share of zits. And I was born with semi-rough and dry skin. A mild form of keratosis. So from early on I wanted to become a dermatologist or internal med doctor when I grew up. I didn't know if I'd outgrow the zits by my 20s, and having clear skin during your teens and early 20s is highly advantageous. But tho I worked out arduously, my idea of the perfect body always seemed a bit out of reach. Like, you'd have to have been born with a specific bone structure to look the way I wanted to... So I was in a quandary over which option I'd pick for the longest time. Now, I think I'd pick perfect body... tho it might be weird to have a perfect body when I'm old. That'd look pretty freakazoid. But I'd not have to work out as much for the rest of my life. And I could use the extra time... to work more and attain my other goal.

I dunno... Thing is, if I was given a third option, the ability to determine when I die, I'd take that option hands down. I'd take that over an option to have unlimited amount of money, or enough to travel the world for 40 years and not have to work. I worry about sudden death a lot. I worry that it will catch me before I've figured out whether to believe in Heaven and Hell. So, it's the best option yet. Even if another option was the ability to determine how I die. I'd still pick the when over the how. Time.

A year or so ago, I thought I was going through an ugly stage... I thought, well, once I got back my money, I'd be able to spend on fixing myself up and maintaining like I used to. Since, I've realized that THIS AIN'T NO STAGE. I'm simply GETTING OLD... and there is no turning back. No amount of money or working out will bring back the former face and bod... but that's alright. I've had my days, and it's time for others to shine. U early 20-year-olds, flaunt what u got while u still got it. Revel in your youth and beauty, and exercise the power that is yours because you possess them. Go out and use them to get a head start in the game called the rest of your life.... while I go on with my pilgrimage.

I want to go on a pilgrimage.

Gosh, me and GAMES. I'm a speed (dist/time, not the drug) and competition junkie. I got into work and online this morning to find out that guy in first place, Fish-Eye-Fool, in my Fantasy NBA game picked up a player I've had my eyes set on for days. I had to wait until the games were over last nite to make a final decision re: who to drop to pick up the new player. Damnit. Now I'm going to have to devote an hr of work time trying to figure out how to upset Fish-Eye-Fool's new advantage... Playing these games is so fun. It's just, my whole mood dropped when I saw that my player had been picked up today. I will be steaming about it for the next couple of days...

Oh, me feeling empty doesn't mean I also feel unhappy. I'm not that unhappy... I'm unmotivated to live, not unwilling to live.

One of my friends broke up w/ his girlfriend on Friday. He says the emptiness he feels keeps him from sleeping. His emptiness, my emptiness... the difference is, I still have a significant other. I suppose his emptiness is exacerbated or simply accompanied by loneliness. I don't feel lonely. Just empty. This BIG EMPTY (to borrow the song title) has been with me for awhile, through the eras of my life, through many relationships...

When u spend the majority of your life having religion (the kind that insists u are an evildoer destined for a horrible eternity if u don't live the rest of your life allowing overwhelming guilt to compel u to supress your human nature) crammed down your throat to the point that u gag, and blasted into your brain so that it is impossible for u to ever become a complete athiest, the moment u have not only rejected it but have also finally broken away from the chokehold it has had on every aspect of your life up until that moment, u suddenly realize that your life no longer has MEANING. It's the ultimate in bad epiphanies. You've been irreversibly conditioned into needing there to be some purpose for life, even though u won't accept that it's to glorify God. U are unable to comprehend or deal with the possibility that there is absolutely no real rhyme or reason to life.

U scramble to find new meaning because without it, life doesn't seem worth the effort (er, heart blood - per 2/5/2001 post) most of the time... So when u come up with nothing good enough time and time again... BIG EMPTY.

What I have in the interim to fill the void is the pursuit of wealth and the ultimate bod. But that's not going too well.

I was thinking about the above while I was driving to work this morning... and as soon as I had completed the thought, I looked down to see a bumper sticker on the car in front of me that read, "Death is not fatal... Trust Jesus." Weeeeeell, whaddaya know? Was that a mere coincidence, or are my mom's prayers actually working??

I haven't been to a comedy club in awhile. I'd like to go sometime soon. Get my laugh on... I have a pretty unique sense of humor, tho... I don't find many things funny that a lot of other people do. Most of the time, I find myself laughing out of courtesy or peer pressure or 'cuz i'm drunk and can't help myself. My humor is sarcastic and quite esoteric, and the one person in this world that I think emulates and appreciates a similar type of humor is my ex-, Brian.

I haven't yet passed the amount of time that it would take for me to stop thinking about Brian at least every other day. Especially lately, he loiters in my mind... since I have been doing a lot of reminiscing about my days at Cal and immediately after. Cal came back up in my mind in a rush when I started hanging out with people from Cal again... late last year. One of these days, I'll figure out a justifiable reason to email Brian. It's been months since we last talked, and I fear his response... or lack of response.

I had lunch with an old coworker today. I have lunch with him once every couple of months. And he always pays... even when I actually have cash in my wallet, and I throw it out on the table before he gets his credit card out. Our conversations are always pretty much the same. He talks about remodeling a new house he's bought. Gives me an update on his house in Tahoe and his other house in Mexico. He asks me if I'm still with "what's-his-name." I tell him yes, things are going WELL with us. I emphasize WELL... I ask him about his girlfriend turned wife. He just married her in December. He says she sold her house and moved in with him... more for convenience than any other reason, he points out. He sighs and says she made him marry her because she wants kids. I ask him if he wants kids. He says he can imagine treating his kids a lot better than he treats his wife... Lunch is over, and before I can leave, he suddenly forces me into a bear hug and tells me he's always had a huge crush on me and wants me so badly he would pay. I tell him he's a bad, silly man and push him away. But no, I'm not offended. As he walks away, he tells me to give him a call if I ever need anything at all. This same script plays out EVERY SINGLE TIME I see him. And I guess one of these days, I should just not answer his emails or calls to go out to lunch because I know he's gonna proposition me at the end of the meal... Aside from trying to pay me for sex, he's not that bad friend, tho... He's good for free lunches, and I've kept him on my "network" list... just in case some day all this small degree of sexual abuse I endure could pay off.

OK. I'm not really that huge a fan. Just a bigger fan than I am of any other band at the moment. And I wouldn't really kick anyone out of my life... unless they repeatedly dogged me, and I had problems with their personality to begin with.

U had to have known I'm a huge Incubus fan... If u didn't know, get to know me better! I'd been looking for concert tix since November 01. Glad I found out about it... before tix sold out. If that happened, and I found out after the fact, I'd have kicked yer ass out of my life... well, maybe just for a month or so.

Games like FFX have a way of making real life seem even more depressing, dull, and meaningless. Where are my missions? What am I fighting for that is worth my life? Where is my posse to fight each of my battles alongside me?

There are always very religious themes running through these games, which tend to make an agnostic life w/ minimal interaction with God seem so... wrong. And wasteful.

My only real gripe with the game is the translation of the dialog from Japanese to English, including the bad lip sync due to not changing the mouth movements to form the English dialog instead of the original Japanese. To get over the sometimes choppy, odd, or implausible dialog, I just ignore the voices and "hear" the original Japanese dialog while doing my best to get the ideas it's trying to convey from the text. I figure some congruency had to have been lost during the translation and adaptation to audio. Or, some understanding of why the characters act/react a particular way (Japanese culture influence?) could have been lost when the Japanese was taken out. I kinda wish they had an option for me to hear the Japanese while reading the English "subtitles."

I snowboarded at Northstar yesterday. Day trip. Troubling things happened. Seems as if I can't go on any trips anymore in which troubling things don't happen. Our party of five got in at most 3.5 hrs of snowboarding... and Karl busted his knee. There's a lot riding on that knee... a lot of rollerhockey and ice hockey games. And I'd really hate to see Karl's dare-devil side subside because of this injury. I always liked that side of Karl. It seems to be what most ppl know him for. I indulge in imagining he's living his life like an RPG game character thrust into adventure... like Cloud or Tidus. He even looks like those characters to me.

The most troubling thing that happened to me yesterday is that I was forced to spend 100+ bux on the entire day. There goes my life for a month. I was hoping to use someone's season pass for half off the lift ticket price; I shoulda known the deal wouldn't work on a holiday. I don't regret renting the truck, despite the amount of time it cost us. That was a GREAT idea and a great deal. Driving that automatic giant was fun, tho my leg of the trip was on pretty straight and uneventful road.

It's pretty interesting riding in a car w/ 4 other introverts. I think we five are all introverts of similar kind by nature... the kind that are known to some as mellow and brooding, and by others as relatively talkative and friendly. I've recently (within the year) retreated into my introverted nature. Introversion is not a negative thing. I don't mind it.

FFX gets better and better the longer you play it. The start is kinda slow... but the story and characters grow on u. Now that I'm 16 hrs into the game, I can't really remember what I liked so much about FF7 that isn't also in FFX... and BETTER. And, my brain is getting lazier and lazier... so I think maybe I'd be frustrated w/ materia and all the options it offers if I had to deal w/ it in FFX.

I think I'll rescind my 8.5 out of 10... and just go ahead and give FFX 11 out of 10 now. I mean, the graphics alone deserve that.

I ate French food last nite, at a place in the City called La Folie. Inadvertently ordered two dishes containing Foie Gras... Foie Gras is glorifed liver. Normally, I abhor liver. But in Foie Gras form, it takes on whole different meaning to me.