Alright. Here I am. I've been sleeping 8 to 9 hours a nite... but still, I could sleep for hours longer. It's so painful to get up and out. I would like to just sleep for another 2 or three hours, and then get up and move to the couch and sit in front of the TV for the rest of the day... basically killing time until I can hop back into bed. Mental lights out. Yeah. I've lost my motivation to live again. I'm not depressed. At least I don't think I am... because I don't feel sad. Just UNMOTIVATED. And maybe despondent. I just don't feel as if I have much of anything to look forward to in the near future... Therefore, I don't feel like hurrying out of the one place I feel so perfectly warm, relaxed, and at ease. It's hard to look forward to a far-off future when my next five years will be spent living just like this... with no money to do or have the things that bring MEANING to my life. Money provides the freedom to do or have those kindsa things... and five years seems like much too long to have to wait sometimes. Why am I so impatient? Why am I so pessimistic? I need to rid myself of the philosophy that "if I can't get what I want out of my life, then it's not worth living."

I will snap out of this in a week or so. But for now, this is why it's hard for me to get myself out of my comfort zone... the bed, the house...

If I was an Autobot, I'd be:

Take the Transformers personality test at android5.com!

Life sux rite now. Today. This moment. Sometimes just how bothered I am about my poverty-stricken condition becomes frustratingly apparent, and the masochist in me compels me to berate myself about it for the nth time... I hate how the best I can do rite now, today, at this moment just is NOT cutting it. I know I won't be happy simply doing the best that I can for the rest of my life if I don't rise much further above this level. I need to do it soon... I feel as if I'm wasting my life.

If my pain-tolerance wasn't so low, and I realized I'd never rise above this level, I'd join the Army. I'd like to be a special agent, like the Delta Force guys in Black Hawk Down. Well, even then, I'd be pissed if I didn't have the physical or mental aptitude to be a good soldier.

Ethan Zohn, winner of Survivor 3 Africa's million dollars is an absolute HOTTIE. U read about him and think... what more could I possibly want?? Well, that's the thing... We only seem to see certain sides of ppl who are in shobiz... the side of them that the showbizpplmakers want us to see. Fully fabricated, partially, or not... how would we know? I wish I had ppl to glaze me over... to present me as a much better person than I really am, blemish-free in all my pictures, never wearing clothes which do not flatter my figure... to pick out my meals and my charities for me, write my lines so I never blurt out what's really on my mind -- the mundane stuff I imagine few ppl are really interested in...

I know what it is... I'm much too serious. And I'm not funny. Well, what I say doesn't make other ppl chuckle, snicker, roar, or think I'm clever.

But *I* think I'm funny. And I'm fine w/ other ppl not thinking I'm funny. I don't think most other people are funny when they try to be funny. Every joke, every sarcastic remark - well, almost every - has been played out. Overdone. No longer funny to me and worthy of a laugh. Most of the time, people make me laugh NOT at what they're saying but how they're acting, when they're not intentionally acting. I hate when ppl laugh at other ppl's jokes when they're not funny... It's like undue praise.

If the stupid radio worked in my office, I'd be able to expose myself to better music... Oh, also if I wasn't banned from using a PC here and all the wonderful Microsoft products and audio programs out there that are made to run on Windows but not Solaris... Oh well, I'm coping.

Among my rhockey (rollerhockey) group o friends, there's been a lot o luv in the air within the last couple of weeks, maybe two months or so. Like malaria. Or I dunno... But I'm actually going to mention names here. Wow... never really talked about other ppl but ME here. So this will b a nice change from the usual "I don't have money so my life sux" posts that you've been bombarded w/ since the inception of this thing...

Here goes. So take Jason and Karin for example... two resesrved people who I don't know yet too too well and hardly ever really see. But I suspect I know enough to know trust them (they're both genuinely good people)... and to feel like they have really found something special when they met each other. Characterwise, so similar. So compatible. I can't imagine what could ever break them apart now that they are together. How could they NOT be together from this day forward until the end? Why did I bring this up... Well, because this is a first for me... seeing two people my age getting together that really seem to belong to each other from the beginning. It feels good to see it... I mean, I don't have any doubts about them, whereas whenever I see other couples, I always feel some degree of doubt that the two will stay together... I dunno... maybe I'm just seeing whatever I wanna see.

Song of the moment: Hoobastank - Crawling in the Dark

I'm confused by women. I don't really know what I think about them... I'm a woman, but I don't really feel like an Earth woman. I feel like I am a third gender. I've said this before...

Anyhow, women give me strange feelings. With guys, everything's pretty cut and dry. I either like him or I don't. He's cool or he ain't. But with women, it's one day at a time. She's a skanky bitch one day, and I wanna see her fall flat on her face and embarrass herself. She's a sweetie angel the next, and I wanna b her best friend for life. Tomorrow I will be jealous of her new clothes and her money and her figure and the attention she gets but doesn't deserve. But today she's so cute I can't stop staring and caring, and I wanna hold her in my arms...

Maybe she feels the same way about me...

I write here only while I'm at work and connected... which is when I'm not doing much insightful thinking at all. Not that I really need, in any way, to justify the fact that my blog is rather boring and redundant and contains nothing much of interest to anyone but myself. :P

To date, I've not written much about the day-to-day stuff - people and events - that goes on around me (but doesn't necessarily involve me), but maybe I will from now on just so you'll think I have more of a life than currently appears. Yeah, i DO care what you think... to some extent. :)

Ok. So what did I do yesterday... Work as usual. And the site our group produced still works off and on and is probably the most shameful thing I've been associated w/ (in a work situation) in my whole history of employment. I didn't develop it. All I do is confirm what a malfunctional piece of shit it is with every bug I find.

Hm... If I was ever offered the chance to look into my own future, I would turn the opp'ty down. Vehemently. VEE-uh-mently. I would never want to know in advance what's to become of me. It could only disappoint me... which would make me wanna end my life right here and now and spare the air for someone else. And if it was better than I'd expect, then I'd just lose motivation to get outta this yucky rut of destitution that I'm in... So either way, any motivation for working hard right now towards success would b killed.

Well, on with yesterday... I came home from work and ate beef with rice for the third meal in a row. I eat meals in rows these days 'cuz we make the leftovers last as long as possible. I coulda had the same stuff FOUR meals in a row if I'd packed it up for lunch today. But the thot made my stomach churn... Ok, now this is silly. I'm rambling and wasting internet space. Don't worry... I'll eventually come to a nice comfortable medium amount of blah to put up here.

I went to a rollerhockey game last nite. Much of what I take away from experiences are feelings, tho. I don't really know what I felt coming away from that experience... not too much, I guess. I'm going to go now. I will try again (to spruce this blog up a bit) later...

I know I am obsessive.

Top 5 things I constantly think of doing, but won't do because I'm slightly better off NOT:

1. Moving back into my parents' house... to use the money I'm blowing away in rent to pay off my debts in half the time (around two and a half years instead of 5).

2. Whoring myself out... or doing anything else illegal but lucrative that doesn't require/involve firearms, just for some pocket change... so I can live a slightly more intense life while I'm still considered young.

3. Cheating on Dave - only for sex and the bit of romance I crave while I'm poor and in need of an emotional high of sorts.

4. Moving out of the Bay Area and starting a completely new life in another big, brite city on the US coast.

5. Giving religion another chance... at least reconsidering and exploring the possibility of life after death.

I still love classical music, the stuff that penetrates to the true core of me and elicits emotions that I don't otherwise experience in everyday life... anymore. I don't think anyone in my circle of friends has the same or even AN appreciation for classical music. For some silly (or maybe not so silly) reason, I equate level of appreciation of such things with level of depth...

Sometimes, but only sometimes, that bothers me... the seeming lack of someone in my life who can feel to the same depth or feels simply similarly. Maybe I'd have to make music with someone to feel that level with another person... I sort of feel an emptiness without a musician in my life. Hm... or maybe what I'm really missing is MYSELF the musician...

GREAT. A brand-spankin new year that already has too much pressure to be hell of a lot better than 2001... I really hope it can live up. I hope *I* can live up to the expectations I have of myself for the coming year as well.

This morning I woke up and headed straight to the internet to search for a higher-paying, more secure job. It's mid-morning, and I'm already discouraged. I still have a lot of thinking to do... need direction. But I don't feel as if I have enough options rite now. Without any money to begin with, I can't take any classes that will help me jumpstart an actual career... can't take many risks in how/where I spend my time. Need to keep on earning money, no matter what... even if it's not much.

Last nite, I was thinking that if I started a band I'd call us Orifice. But then I looked on the internet and found out the name is already taken... several times.

I could have more money by moving back to my parents' home... and using the extra 6k or so a year to pay off my debts. I wrestle with this option frequently.

I don't always feel as if I have a boyfriend. I mean, I am completely aware that I have one, and he's been great. But he seems like such a given... Probably because I haven't been single in so long that having a boyfriend seems to me like having parents...

In the ideal, I would find a guy that's got a combo of the best characteristics of the lot of men I've gotten involved with: Albert's music ambition and artsy-ness; Psycho-ex's sappy, flattering romantic side, openness, and sculpted bod; Brian's genius, uniqueness, athleticism, creativity, sense of humor, taste in music and movies, level of masculinity, and sensitive sweetness; Dave's indulgence, financial success drive, and babyish antics; the libido of the guys I've had flings with and/or lusted over. Such a man might exist, and if I met him I'd need to brush up on my charm and appeal.

I saw the movie A Beautiful Mind last nite. Schizophrenia is quite an interesting condition, as portrayed (and perhaps also slightly glamorized) in the movie. The movie focused a lot more on how the condition affected those around John Nash, and not as much as how he felt about it. The lack of insight into his feelings made him appear to be relatively content in his madness... in that unreal world where he actually had close, interesting friends and an extremely important purpose. Doesn't sound like to me like such a bad a life. There must be much that the movie left out...

I feel a bit depersonalized these days. Maybe I am too focused on a couple of things, not that that's a bad thing... I've been doing mostly what's beneficial for just me instead of what's beneficial for me AND the group(s) around me. (The movie last nite made me think about this...) And the result is that I'm not focusing so much on changing myself to be better for my friends or others in addition to myself for all my intents and pursposes. I'm making some new year's resolutions that I hope I'll stick to... because ultimately it's in my best interest to keep myslf interesting enough for ppl to wanna involve me in their lives regularly.

2001. Not the best year of my life, but I can fairly say it's not been close to the worst one yet. (There's always those years w/ Psycho-ex.) It's ending on a more positive note than it started.

All in all, I'm in the best living and financial situation possible at this time and w/ what I've got to work with. I'm getting the max out of every cent I make. Not many regrets about how I went about my biz this year, tho truth be told, I can remember so few things about it...

2001
******
New hobbies:
rollerhockey, fantasy nba, cooking (assisted), blogging (tho not frequently), large group sports activities

Dropped hobbies:
buying one or more new outfit(s) once a month, playing badminton, hanging out w/ bi-sexual women, answering email, answering cell phone calls, getting monthly facials, manicures & pedicures, cutting & coloring my hair every two months, flirting, running, indulging in expensive activities in general

New men:
N/A

New fetishes:
slightly chunky, and large anything... esp. nipples and lips

Guilts:
1) the way I broke up with Brian
2) allowing Dave to pay for most of what we do together

I'm looking out for myself before others, and that's my bottom line these days.

Known faults:
envy of the more affluent, inability to make activity committments - VERY flaky, always late

2002
******
Resolutions:
lose those extra 10 pounds, get a higher-paying permanent job, maintain better posture, be a little more "sunny," be less late, spend more time w/ friends learning about the details of their lives

Song of the day: Seven Days - Craig David

Time for some cheesy fiction.

Tackle football in the drizzle... The sun was setting, and the chill started to set in. But competition and comaraderie drove the group to keep on playing hard, though muscles were sore and bones were bruised. The score was pretty even... but that will soon change, she mused as she ran to get open for a pass from the QB. He saw her wide open, and sent the ball straight into her ready hands... Off she sprinted, not looking at all behind her. This is the win, she thought... as she got within a several steps of the endzone... Suddenly, she felt hands on both sides of her waist...

You're goin down now sweetie...

The next thing she felt was his body thumping into her back after his arms curled around her... pushing her forward toward the ground at great speed. Her shoulder slammed into the muddy grass, and an instant later he was pulling her with him as he came down and rolled around in the mess. When they came to a stop, she shook her head to rid of the dizziness, and took one look at the tackler... She saw in his eyes the playful taunt of a regular rival.

Too slow, too weak, Cali girl!

Oh yeah, you think? She rose up first and pushed him back into the ground with her arm... but not before he had grabbed it and once again pulled her along with him into the dirtiness. They wrestled for the dominant position for the next couple of seconds. There was a ripping sound as his shirt tore at the collar... and she found herself with the upperhand. She had him in a straddle as rubbed his face into the mud and asked him... Who wants his mommy now, huh?

Suddenly, his back arched, and he toppled her over onto her side. He was up and on top of her before she had a chance to recover. Feisty little bitch, you are...

She felt his weight and heat and smelled the sweat of his attempts to bring her down. She writhed to get out from under him, grunting a bit with each bit of effort. But he was too strong and heavy to overturn... and when she gave up and stopped moving, and they were almost still, panting into each other's faces, chests pounding hard from the struggle and from the challenge.

And then... Ohhh, my god... She was suddenly comsumed by that delicious feeling.... rising from her belly, through her chest, up her throat, and into her mouth... The undeniable chemistry that had been there from the very beginning, since the day they had first met, rose to the occassion in a hurry... This passion between them to show each other up had masked a latent and yet unfulfilled desire... She so wanted him, violently and forcefully...

She had been completely oblivious to the people standing around the two of them, enjoying the scene she had started, until... Oh go get a room!

The next instant, she was back to reality. She shook him off and jumped up quickly, ready for another attempt to score...

It's funny how a bad kiss can totally dispel a torrid crush. Could be the way the lips feel or taste, or the technique and type of kiss... It's bad, and suddenly the person in front of u is no longer the cause of sleepless nites and anxious daydreams. There you are, snapped out of your little fantasy...

Kisses say volumes. They provide insight into the level of passion the person is able to bestow upon you. They tell you WHO (type of person) you're kissing...

Do not PECK me. I dig big, luscious lips... slow, full-mouth, probing kisses...

A bit frustrated... 'cuz I have stuff to put up on this blog, but not enough time to do so. I've had a lot of work to do lately. And when I go home, and after I eat and workout, that's the end of my day...

I like being busy here at work. Makes me feel responsible for something other than my personal life. I don't necessarily like to stop what I'm doing and take the time to record what I've been up to here... but I know I must. Or I will remember nothing...

I'm old, and I have been thru a lotta boyz and relationships... I hardly claim to be an expert on either. But having had some experience, I DO know myself and how I am in relationships, what I want and need, what I can and cannot take, how I love.

What I have now is good. Peaceful, healthy, and easy. Gotta do my best to hold on for's long as I can...