I don't always feel as if I have a boyfriend. I mean, I am completely aware that I have one, and he's been great. But he seems like such a given... Probably because I haven't been single in so long that having a boyfriend seems to me like having parents...

In the ideal, I would find a guy that's got a combo of the best characteristics of the lot of men I've gotten involved with: Albert's music ambition and artsy-ness; Psycho-ex's sappy, flattering romantic side, openness, and sculpted bod; Brian's genius, uniqueness, athleticism, creativity, sense of humor, taste in music and movies, level of masculinity, and sensitive sweetness; Dave's indulgence, financial success drive, and babyish antics; the libido of the guys I've had flings with and/or lusted over. Such a man might exist, and if I met him I'd need to brush up on my charm and appeal.

I saw the movie A Beautiful Mind last nite. Schizophrenia is quite an interesting condition, as portrayed (and perhaps also slightly glamorized) in the movie. The movie focused a lot more on how the condition affected those around John Nash, and not as much as how he felt about it. The lack of insight into his feelings made him appear to be relatively content in his madness... in that unreal world where he actually had close, interesting friends and an extremely important purpose. Doesn't sound like to me like such a bad a life. There must be much that the movie left out...

I feel a bit depersonalized these days. Maybe I am too focused on a couple of things, not that that's a bad thing... I've been doing mostly what's beneficial for just me instead of what's beneficial for me AND the group(s) around me. (The movie last nite made me think about this...) And the result is that I'm not focusing so much on changing myself to be better for my friends or others in addition to myself for all my intents and pursposes. I'm making some new year's resolutions that I hope I'll stick to... because ultimately it's in my best interest to keep myslf interesting enough for ppl to wanna involve me in their lives regularly.

2001. Not the best year of my life, but I can fairly say it's not been close to the worst one yet. (There's always those years w/ Psycho-ex.) It's ending on a more positive note than it started.

All in all, I'm in the best living and financial situation possible at this time and w/ what I've got to work with. I'm getting the max out of every cent I make. Not many regrets about how I went about my biz this year, tho truth be told, I can remember so few things about it...

2001
******
New hobbies:
rollerhockey, fantasy nba, cooking (assisted), blogging (tho not frequently), large group sports activities

Dropped hobbies:
buying one or more new outfit(s) once a month, playing badminton, hanging out w/ bi-sexual women, answering email, answering cell phone calls, getting monthly facials, manicures & pedicures, cutting & coloring my hair every two months, flirting, running, indulging in expensive activities in general

New men:
N/A

New fetishes:
slightly chunky, and large anything... esp. nipples and lips

Guilts:
1) the way I broke up with Brian
2) allowing Dave to pay for most of what we do together

I'm looking out for myself before others, and that's my bottom line these days.

Known faults:
envy of the more affluent, inability to make activity committments - VERY flaky, always late

2002
******
Resolutions:
lose those extra 10 pounds, get a higher-paying permanent job, maintain better posture, be a little more "sunny," be less late, spend more time w/ friends learning about the details of their lives

Song of the day: Seven Days - Craig David

Time for some cheesy fiction.

Tackle football in the drizzle... The sun was setting, and the chill started to set in. But competition and comaraderie drove the group to keep on playing hard, though muscles were sore and bones were bruised. The score was pretty even... but that will soon change, she mused as she ran to get open for a pass from the QB. He saw her wide open, and sent the ball straight into her ready hands... Off she sprinted, not looking at all behind her. This is the win, she thought... as she got within a several steps of the endzone... Suddenly, she felt hands on both sides of her waist...

You're goin down now sweetie...

The next thing she felt was his body thumping into her back after his arms curled around her... pushing her forward toward the ground at great speed. Her shoulder slammed into the muddy grass, and an instant later he was pulling her with him as he came down and rolled around in the mess. When they came to a stop, she shook her head to rid of the dizziness, and took one look at the tackler... She saw in his eyes the playful taunt of a regular rival.

Too slow, too weak, Cali girl!

Oh yeah, you think? She rose up first and pushed him back into the ground with her arm... but not before he had grabbed it and once again pulled her along with him into the dirtiness. They wrestled for the dominant position for the next couple of seconds. There was a ripping sound as his shirt tore at the collar... and she found herself with the upperhand. She had him in a straddle as rubbed his face into the mud and asked him... Who wants his mommy now, huh?

Suddenly, his back arched, and he toppled her over onto her side. He was up and on top of her before she had a chance to recover. Feisty little bitch, you are...

She felt his weight and heat and smelled the sweat of his attempts to bring her down. She writhed to get out from under him, grunting a bit with each bit of effort. But he was too strong and heavy to overturn... and when she gave up and stopped moving, and they were almost still, panting into each other's faces, chests pounding hard from the struggle and from the challenge.

And then... Ohhh, my god... She was suddenly comsumed by that delicious feeling.... rising from her belly, through her chest, up her throat, and into her mouth... The undeniable chemistry that had been there from the very beginning, since the day they had first met, rose to the occassion in a hurry... This passion between them to show each other up had masked a latent and yet unfulfilled desire... She so wanted him, violently and forcefully...

She had been completely oblivious to the people standing around the two of them, enjoying the scene she had started, until... Oh go get a room!

The next instant, she was back to reality. She shook him off and jumped up quickly, ready for another attempt to score...

It's funny how a bad kiss can totally dispel a torrid crush. Could be the way the lips feel or taste, or the technique and type of kiss... It's bad, and suddenly the person in front of u is no longer the cause of sleepless nites and anxious daydreams. There you are, snapped out of your little fantasy...

Kisses say volumes. They provide insight into the level of passion the person is able to bestow upon you. They tell you WHO (type of person) you're kissing...

Do not PECK me. I dig big, luscious lips... slow, full-mouth, probing kisses...

A bit frustrated... 'cuz I have stuff to put up on this blog, but not enough time to do so. I've had a lot of work to do lately. And when I go home, and after I eat and workout, that's the end of my day...

I like being busy here at work. Makes me feel responsible for something other than my personal life. I don't necessarily like to stop what I'm doing and take the time to record what I've been up to here... but I know I must. Or I will remember nothing...

I'm old, and I have been thru a lotta boyz and relationships... I hardly claim to be an expert on either. But having had some experience, I DO know myself and how I am in relationships, what I want and need, what I can and cannot take, how I love.

What I have now is good. Peaceful, healthy, and easy. Gotta do my best to hold on for's long as I can...

I don't doubt that u see and sense an Asian female in me... Tho, I've spent most of my life feeling more or less genderless and race-less. I grew up without a strong female presence, with an overbearing male one... By the time I was able to read, I had already lost faith in women, especially married women. Two males shaped my character, my brother and my dad; during the time most girls were blooming into brite, beautiful, bitchy babes, I bumbled about plain, still trying to figure out where I fit in...

I STILL feel neither pretty nor feminine, but I do my best to appear so... In the years since my childhood, I have found out that being female is, in fact, a blessing. These days, a well-adjusted, well-proportioned female has but to pull a few strings in order to get whatever she wants and needs in life. Lipstick and mini-skirts work wonders...

I still think of moving to New York every so often. I hadn't so much in nearly a year since being thrust into the pit of financial ruin... The overwhelming desire to move has been replaced by the realization that there won't be another opportune time for me to move in a long while. I didn't take the chance while I had it. However, no matter how shitty things have been over the last 12 months, I tend to believe it was for the better that I was here...

But what about now? Of course, I'm haunted by the road not taken. I wish for a push either way... Either something to make me want stay here forever, or something to overcome the powerful rationale for staying here. I just want to be rid of this unsettled feeling...

If things continue as they are right now, there's a high probability I'll end up marrying Dave and living here with him. Maybe I'd pressure him to move back East... but it'd be way too selfish a desire at that point, fueled by outdated motives. I forsee myself succumbing to my need to be near the rest of my immediate family, who will never move from this place. In this life I truly have just those three. Blood so thick, I can't fathom being less a part of their lives as I am now.

I want to travel so badly, it huuurrrts...

What do people like to talk about most? If you could only talk about only one general subject for 3 straight days, what would it be? Would it be.... your own personal history from as far back as you can remember, including a highly intricate character-analyses of every major player involved... or perhaps, you'd discuss theories about the origin/meaning of the existence of the universe and the human soul... or maybe you'd talk about people and your impressions of the human brain and heart, and how your perceptions of different individuals or groups has or has not changed over the years... ?

Or you could just talk about SEX. People always seem to like to talk about sex. Those who talk more sex seem to be getting less sex. Sigh...

The Great White male is a lasting fetish.

I don't collect facts... only feelings. But for the sake of Trivial Pursuit, I think I'll start boning up on miscellaneous information tidbits just sos I will have facts to share on a reg'lar basis while I'm out with folks waiting to get intoxicated...

I ate too much this weekend. I'm not losing any weight because I don't have the willpower to stop eating so much. No doubt I'm substituting food for sex. But, whatever it takes to keep me from doing anything I'd regret more than gaining a few more pounds...

I have to constantly remind myself regarding everything I want and need to do, not just eating better. I've been reduced to scribbling things on bits of paper, things that I don't wanna forget... total Memento syndrome. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will someday become my dad... brilliant and active, but all too conscious of and frustrated by the aging of his body and the deterioration of its functions at a much faster pace than his mind and will. Before the age of 30, I'll have become the same type of person, minus the brilliance...

I am all talk and no action.

I need to hold on to Dave. He's valuable... Not because he's Money... but because he's simple and honest, and he has fatherly AND motherly instincts... and he's met my parents, and they like him.

My mentality is screwed up... For a whole freak'n year, I've lived in fear of being laid off. I mean, I have this constant fear of losing things... for reasons beyond my control. I see Dave as an employer, and our relationship like a job... I could get laid off at anytime, unpredictably, no matter how hard/well i do or try...

So last nite was a flop.

I wish I could at least get an A for effort... I try too hard with Dave, and it doesn't get me anywhere with him. Doesn't make him love me more, doesn't guarantee that I won't lose him... Whether I keep or lose him probably has minimal to do with whatever *I* do. Our relationship depends almost entirely on him and what he wants to do or not do with it, and where he wants it to go or not go...

Oh well... I must keep in mind that this is the best I can do for myself rite now.

I used to have a photographic memory... when I was a child... You can't tell now. These days, it seems to take a conscious effort to record what I see around me in order for me to remember... It's pathetic. But I can wave it off because I realize that I've been so preoccupied, fixated... on just several things/issues. I actually believe that denying my mind the freedom to dwell on other things/issues will help me take care of the ones at hand a lot more quickly.

Song of the week: Blurry - Puddle of Mudd

Dave is a guy I could marry. He could market himself as one of the most marriable young men in the computer science world right now! He's so lovable, tho maybe not necessary in-love-able... and I would marry him, even tho he's not a soulmate.

I believe I am happy now, despite less-than-ideal circumstances, because I have actually grown to love who I am on the inside. It took so long to reach this point. Now I just hope other people exist who could and would love me for who I am, for what makes me unique... not for the generic qualities I possess.

I've actually been sort of happy these last couple of weeks. I'm happier than I have been in over a year. Never before, in my recollection, have I been this bored, fat, poor, and happy all at the same time... Mid-20s life for me is different than I imagined it would b when I was in my teens...

Anyhow, Dave has met my parents. I see his meeting them as another one of those win-win decisions. Note to self: Alcohol makes Dave horny, and getting him drunk guarantees me nookie. Second note to self: Stock up on the rum and coke.

I've been thinking a lot, but I haven't been writing here a lot.