I'm old, and I have been thru a lotta boyz and relationships... I hardly claim to be an expert on either. But having had some experience, I DO know myself and how I am in relationships, what I want and need, what I can and cannot take, how I love.

What I have now is good. Peaceful, healthy, and easy. Gotta do my best to hold on for's long as I can...

I don't doubt that u see and sense an Asian female in me... Tho, I've spent most of my life feeling more or less genderless and race-less. I grew up without a strong female presence, with an overbearing male one... By the time I was able to read, I had already lost faith in women, especially married women. Two males shaped my character, my brother and my dad; during the time most girls were blooming into brite, beautiful, bitchy babes, I bumbled about plain, still trying to figure out where I fit in...

I STILL feel neither pretty nor feminine, but I do my best to appear so... In the years since my childhood, I have found out that being female is, in fact, a blessing. These days, a well-adjusted, well-proportioned female has but to pull a few strings in order to get whatever she wants and needs in life. Lipstick and mini-skirts work wonders...

I still think of moving to New York every so often. I hadn't so much in nearly a year since being thrust into the pit of financial ruin... The overwhelming desire to move has been replaced by the realization that there won't be another opportune time for me to move in a long while. I didn't take the chance while I had it. However, no matter how shitty things have been over the last 12 months, I tend to believe it was for the better that I was here...

But what about now? Of course, I'm haunted by the road not taken. I wish for a push either way... Either something to make me want stay here forever, or something to overcome the powerful rationale for staying here. I just want to be rid of this unsettled feeling...

If things continue as they are right now, there's a high probability I'll end up marrying Dave and living here with him. Maybe I'd pressure him to move back East... but it'd be way too selfish a desire at that point, fueled by outdated motives. I forsee myself succumbing to my need to be near the rest of my immediate family, who will never move from this place. In this life I truly have just those three. Blood so thick, I can't fathom being less a part of their lives as I am now.

I want to travel so badly, it huuurrrts...

What do people like to talk about most? If you could only talk about only one general subject for 3 straight days, what would it be? Would it be.... your own personal history from as far back as you can remember, including a highly intricate character-analyses of every major player involved... or perhaps, you'd discuss theories about the origin/meaning of the existence of the universe and the human soul... or maybe you'd talk about people and your impressions of the human brain and heart, and how your perceptions of different individuals or groups has or has not changed over the years... ?

Or you could just talk about SEX. People always seem to like to talk about sex. Those who talk more sex seem to be getting less sex. Sigh...

The Great White male is a lasting fetish.

I don't collect facts... only feelings. But for the sake of Trivial Pursuit, I think I'll start boning up on miscellaneous information tidbits just sos I will have facts to share on a reg'lar basis while I'm out with folks waiting to get intoxicated...

I ate too much this weekend. I'm not losing any weight because I don't have the willpower to stop eating so much. No doubt I'm substituting food for sex. But, whatever it takes to keep me from doing anything I'd regret more than gaining a few more pounds...

I have to constantly remind myself regarding everything I want and need to do, not just eating better. I've been reduced to scribbling things on bits of paper, things that I don't wanna forget... total Memento syndrome. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will someday become my dad... brilliant and active, but all too conscious of and frustrated by the aging of his body and the deterioration of its functions at a much faster pace than his mind and will. Before the age of 30, I'll have become the same type of person, minus the brilliance...

I am all talk and no action.

I need to hold on to Dave. He's valuable... Not because he's Money... but because he's simple and honest, and he has fatherly AND motherly instincts... and he's met my parents, and they like him.

My mentality is screwed up... For a whole freak'n year, I've lived in fear of being laid off. I mean, I have this constant fear of losing things... for reasons beyond my control. I see Dave as an employer, and our relationship like a job... I could get laid off at anytime, unpredictably, no matter how hard/well i do or try...

So last nite was a flop.

I wish I could at least get an A for effort... I try too hard with Dave, and it doesn't get me anywhere with him. Doesn't make him love me more, doesn't guarantee that I won't lose him... Whether I keep or lose him probably has minimal to do with whatever *I* do. Our relationship depends almost entirely on him and what he wants to do or not do with it, and where he wants it to go or not go...

Oh well... I must keep in mind that this is the best I can do for myself rite now.

I used to have a photographic memory... when I was a child... You can't tell now. These days, it seems to take a conscious effort to record what I see around me in order for me to remember... It's pathetic. But I can wave it off because I realize that I've been so preoccupied, fixated... on just several things/issues. I actually believe that denying my mind the freedom to dwell on other things/issues will help me take care of the ones at hand a lot more quickly.

Song of the week: Blurry - Puddle of Mudd

Dave is a guy I could marry. He could market himself as one of the most marriable young men in the computer science world right now! He's so lovable, tho maybe not necessary in-love-able... and I would marry him, even tho he's not a soulmate.

I believe I am happy now, despite less-than-ideal circumstances, because I have actually grown to love who I am on the inside. It took so long to reach this point. Now I just hope other people exist who could and would love me for who I am, for what makes me unique... not for the generic qualities I possess.

I've actually been sort of happy these last couple of weeks. I'm happier than I have been in over a year. Never before, in my recollection, have I been this bored, fat, poor, and happy all at the same time... Mid-20s life for me is different than I imagined it would b when I was in my teens...

Anyhow, Dave has met my parents. I see his meeting them as another one of those win-win decisions. Note to self: Alcohol makes Dave horny, and getting him drunk guarantees me nookie. Second note to self: Stock up on the rum and coke.

I've been thinking a lot, but I haven't been writing here a lot.

Sometimes it's rewarding going to the gym even when I don't get a decent workout. Oh man... some o' the guys there look reeeaal good. GIDDYUP!! I think I'm not losing weight because I can't actually visualize myself being any smaller. I'm tired of trying...

I've been listening to faerie music all day... it's been bringing up familiar feelings... feelings that don't really have any specific associated memories. Just feelings... but then (since I'm thoroughly bored here at work) I try to recall the last time I felt them...

I remember Brian. Somehow my thots still float back to him, time after time... Not feelings of remorse or regret... more like nostalgia without the longing. He always felt like home... Maybe I would feel guilty if I let myself forget him and the period of my life which he inhabited... so I make a conscious effort not to. Seems too soon to...

The memories are virtually painless now anyhow.

That I'm high-strung is a known fact.

I am severely undersexed. I've got a one-minute, one-day-a-week man... and that's only on a good week. I'm so damn frustrated. Pimping myself out for some extra dough suddenly doesn't sound like such a low-down, dirty idea...

I've gotta keep on remembering/convincing myself that I'm doing the best that I can for myself right now. I'm constantly trying to figure out how I can be more efficient with and make the most of what I currently have.

I go crazy thinking about how different/improved my life would be with more money. Don't feel sorry for all those pps who earned their 80k+ 'til the day they were laid off! Feel sorry for ME!! I was trying to build a life from ground zero. Now I'm comin back up from a very negative net worth... I'll come right out and say it... I'm a whopping 22k in debt w/ the credit card mongers. How I managed to get into unmanageable debt within a year and a half is an issue in itself...

Just a temporary setback... but how temporary?

Fall is upon us. Wonderful season... full of beauty. And I want a new jacket. I want new shoes. I want to b able to buy my own meals. I want to b able to travel during the holidays. I want to b able to buy gifts for the ppl I love. I want a framed picture for my living room. I want my own computer. I want new tires for my car.

The list is endless... what money could buy me. A LOT. Basically, freedom... and a life that *I* feel is worth the trouble living. It's gonna take a shitload of patience for me to wait until I gain back that freedom...

It's a pity when bad relationships happen to good people... esp. during the time when their personalities are still developing, when they are still trying to figure out the truth about themselves and how they fit into this world, when they're not mature enough to understand, accept, and learn how to deal with human nature... Being so close together during these formative years, they become too huge an influence on each other's characters... their lives become so tightly meshed and dependent on each other for legitimacy. So when one starts desiring to experience life outside of the web, it crumbles... and parting is nothing short of the sweetest sorrow.

Good people. Bad timing.

Take Brian, for instance.

Enya says... Only Time. Don't try to fix things now. Let new friends, new experiences, new loves, and new memories bring on the realization that life persists past youthful love and pain...

...and leave the drama at home! The general public doesn't need to witness such an awkward display of angst. Go get yourselves blogspots, or something...

Ok. Until next time, take care of yourselves... and each other. :)

I've spent the whole day thinking about my financial situation... I need about $200 this month to cover my bills. Where's the $$ gonna come from... only God knows...

I am SO freakn strapped for cash... and there isn't much I wouldn't do for it. I'm constantly thinking of how I can earn a buck or two... what can I sell, what can I cut out of my life... Not much. Don't got no assets... and I'm already living a life of deprivation... :(

This blog isn't meant to b my bitching post. But I'll let u know up front that it's NOT going to b filled with funny, cutesy, smart little anecdotes... just the straight up truth re: me.