So I did some thinking last nite, as I'd been prompted to during the day, about my happiness with what I have... The not-so-startling conclusion is... TADA! Yes, I AM happy. Relatively. (And relatively counts as enough for now.) Great, I can finally go ahead and email Brian to let him know. Best to let him know the truth...

At the end of the day, I control ALL of my on-off switches. That makes me happy. That's what I believe. You may try to prove me wrong (tempt me, test me, try to depress me)... I welcome a challenge. In the meantime, I see that the Balance remains in place... YEEESSS!

White chix are way overrated. Most of 'em are just a buncha big boobies.

That applies only to Asian WOMEN, silly...

Another day of watching the clock tick... just about over. Not pulling my weight here... not able to concentrate on the tasks at hand.

My co-worker, my functional counterpart, recieved the "Employee of the Month" award today. I'm not bothered by that... no I am not. I mean, I can't expect to ever receive that award since I'm not even an employee here yet. I'm still a disposable... Secondly, no one sees the work I do (or don't do, for that matter). So even if I busted my ass for this group up until last month, nothing. My performance during the whole month of May has brought me down pretty far... I'm ashamed. I think I deserved an award at some point. Motivation to get back to worthy of recognition here is at an all time low...

15:42:31 Slaaaayer: Here's my two cents......"A penny saved....is ...well...... pretty much worthless..."
15:42:45 Slaaaayer: unless of course, you are makin a wish or something....
15:43:52 Slaaaayer: they are good for flinging at people too...
15:45:42 Slaaaayer: if you put taco bell hot sauce on a dirty one for a min. or two....when you wipe it off it will be shiny... just like new...
15:45:58 Slaaaayer: I think coke works too
15:47:21 Slaaaayer: tails never fails....

15:05:25 P*B*: i dunno.. pennies to me are something people don't care about, cheap, usless
15:05:31 P*B*: annoying
15:05:37 P*B*: things you wanna get rid of
15:07:44 [me]: yeah, i thot about that too...
15:07:51 [me]: they are the same for me, in reality.
15:08:27 P*B*: so, that's why i think everyone's gone crazy talking about pennies as if they were something meaningful

Hm... To make things fun, you can try swapping pennies. My dull penny for your shiny penny. Maybe what's dull to me is shiny to you, and vice versa... Swing dem pennies! I guess this can only be done if you have one in the first place...

So maybe you can just borrow a penny for a time... not steal it away entirely. Secretly take it, have it and hold it for a coupla days, and put it back when you're done with it. The person you took it from need not ever know. You'd feel a penny richer while you had it. Maybe it was a dull penny to begin with, but once you're done buffing it up, it's a bright shiny lovely penny. You put it back all brand new lookin, and whoever you borrowed it from would owe you for that... Borrowing can tide you over until you find that hard-to-find collector's item wonderful new ideal penny that you can call your own for a time.

I got up two hrs too early on Sat... Went back to sleep. Got back up at 11:30am, and everything was hunky-dory... Drinking last nite, I found my happy place after 3 shots and 2 drinks on an empty stomach. But the lightheaded, fluttery feelings didn't last long enough... and I hurt for a bit last nite and this morning. And then I spent some time driving up to Oakland for my cousin's graduation lunch thinking about my need to stop dwelling on obtaining unnaturally generated temporary highs and some other shit that I've allowed to cloud my mind lately... I must take a trip soon. Spend some time away from here, develop new thoughts, come back.. Fixed.

When I got back from lunch, I was surprised by a bunch of my friends. They'd all gathered together at a park to celebrate my bday. Yeah, I was touched... and of course I felt awkward. I shoulda said something to them all, given a "thank you" speech at least. Public Speaking 101, another class I need to check out. I did my best to make a connection with all of the people there. Be friendly. Don't let them see your awkwardness. The daily quota of connections was exceeded by much.... felt really good. Later, we went someplace to sing karaoke. Someone there sure smelled good, and the olfactory pleasure helped me get over the hard time my other senses were having. I was extremely dizzy... and the mind was on other thoughts which were pretty out of place for where I was at and what I was doing. I hadn't eaten much all day though there was a plentitude of food. Hanging out with a bunch of superthin girls kinda provided the motivation to stay away from most of it. They're such sweet girls too... I'm such a sucker for their type. But they make me feel butch... and I truly HATE when that happens...

Dave's bday present for me is a trip to New York with him at the end of the month, during Memorial Day weekend. Soon enough.

Whether or not I like it, I don't think I'll ever have a chance to be single again.

Hey Jennie girl... Why the long face so early in the mornin? You should be happy... It's the beginning of a glorious May day... can actually hear birds chirping as if on cue. Not surreal. So real... like a movie set or something like that. You are on the set of a wonderful day. Don't you feel it? Today, people, including you, are gonna do fun things in the warmth of the sun and of each others' company. So why the overcast expression? Get a freakn smile on yer face already!! Remember what you said a couple days prior on your bday... that from that day forth you would be more positive and adopt the outlook that your life is getting only better and better everyday..

What... your head doesn't feel so good? What happened last nite anyhow? You stink, by the way... Yer silly ass puked. And you looked real hot and cheap all trashed and dizzy. Why'd you do that? You wanted it, you said. But did you really? What is it that you really wanted? Ohhhh... is that why you aren't happy? Didn't get exactly what you wanted. Like a spoiled little girl you are... Look at yourself, still flushed from the alcohol... Hey, your skin looks good. At least that... Well, you actually have a lot going for you... People like to remind you of that every so often. But you never take it to heart. Always wanting just a little bit more... just what's a bit beyond your reach, beyond the advisable. That's not healthy, you know... Pursuing the wind. The Balance, girl. Do you remember talking about that all last year? ...how you're maintaining the balance of your life as optimally as possible, and how there are things you shouldn't do to upset it?

You're also taking a lot of things for granted. STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN. They tell you that when you're in kindergarten... Do all three before you cross the road. Stay on the path, babygirl... and maintain that freakn balance.

Yeah, yeah... I should do all that. Smile, don't be embarrassed, appreciate, get some more sleep, and bother to think things through... You're right. Not getting exactly what I want even when what I want may not be good for me still fucks me up. Hell if I know if I'm doing wrong or right to want what I want in the first place. I pretend I know. Idiot me, letting things so easily get out of hand mentally... Need to put my mind on a leash, and not let it drag me into stinky, dirty places. Indeed it is a beautiful day... but I can't help thinking it could be even better if I was on drugs.

I need to get to the bottom of this current dissatisfaction. Don't just blame it on Empty. It's gotta do w/ connections, and/or something related that I have to fix so that I don't feel so third person. I need to take some time to figure it out. Actually, I'll just go back to sleep... Maybe when I rewake, I'll be reset and ready to party again...

Verbal Communication 1A. It's gotta be a class somewhere... I gotta go take it. I got problems. It's so hard not to get distracted by the visuals when speaking to people face to face. Half formed thoughts seep out. Sometimes subconscious bits too... Think before I speak, eh? I'd be speakin one word a minute. Brain's so fried... or something.

I receved a bday card from Brian today. I haven't yet answered his email from 2 weeks ago... He writes in the card, "I got your bday card...I thought maybe you finally forgot about me... but you didn't... My favorite quote is 'the greatest risk is not taking one.' That means that the risk of living the rest of my life without you is much greater than the risk of feeling bad if you say no. Mija..." The card has one of those Kim Anderson pictures on the front... black and white little boy holding a bouquet of red roses. It's cute. It's so Brian. Maybe I shouldn't have sent him a bday card in the first place. Maybe I shoulda resisted the urge to find out how he's doing, instead of opening up a chance to hurt him again. Didn't think that one out... Arrgh. Mental note to self... shouldn't keep anyone in the background as a contingency plan. Close the door on this one now...but don't throw away his address...

HUGS not DRUGS!! I got a crazy/wonderful hug from a friend today. Mmmmmmmm... could FEEL the happy chemicals being released in my brain. I could get sorely addicted to these hugs... and it wouldn't be a bad thing. They're virtually cheap, cause real happiness, do not lead to brain damage, bring people closer together, and you can't really OD on 'em... wow. Do not underestimate the power of a HUG.

Question.
Answer: I would wipe out from memory all of the thoughts which disturb me. I could turn all my embarrassing anecdotes into stand-up comedy... or learn from them and use them to develop myself. I couldn't do as much with disturbing thoughts. They would just burn holes in my brain... like drugs would.

Anyone got any extra butterflies? Share 'em with me.

I've been constantly wondering, when's my next high? Should I be more proactive about making it happen soon? Like, should I schedule a pot party for next weekend? Do I HAVE to wait for the weekend?

Hey, I have an idea... This year, in celebration of my twenty-nth year alive, gimme some private time with you. Bring the drug or drink du jour... throw in some visual and audio effects if you can. No card or wrapping-paper necessary. You, me, my high, and enough time for you to connect w/ me. Whatever way possible. Talk to me or kiss me. Bestow on me the gift of the illusion of closeness to you for just a couple of minutes of your life... That'd be sweeeet.

Or just get me a new CD. :P I can always add more CDs to my nearly non-existent collection.

Repression revisited. Repression occurs automatically... like during times when your sanity, in self-preservation mode, acts on your behalf. I guess when repressed things have surfaced and become conscious things, you can either wait for frustration to lead to re-repression of those things... or you can supress them before the frustration kicks in. So a supressed thing and a repressed thing have the same status in your mind. Goodbye, but not for forever.

I think I'll just let my recently resurfaced, previously repressed desires fade back into the confusion... I don't feel like doing any forcing at this time. Lazy... and it's kinda fun having sinful thoughts to entertain me at work.

I gotta get me one o these waterbras. I've wanted one for ahwhile... My bday's coming up. This year, I'll give myself the gift of cleavage.

I think you have to suppress something before you forget it, if it's something that isn't going to go away on its own or within the time frame you prefer. Suppression is a good way to handle totally unresolvable issues that are choking an otherwise happy situation. If you successfully forget something through the means of suppression, you've succeeded, right?

I just came back from playing badminton. Was a good time. I'd contacted Chowie ahead of time to tell him I was gonna make it out tonite, and when I got there I met his mom and brother Jimmy. We were the only ones there. I've gotten really bad at playing, having not done so in more than a year... but we managed to pair up fairly enough. Chowie's team kept on winning. The kid sure is strong. I was surprised with Chowie's mom. How old could she be? Mother of two strapping boys in their 20s... I guess she could be around 45; she looked good. After playing for a couple hours, we quit. Jimmy sits down and says, "Chowie always beats me at everything." "You must be the younger brother," I say. Whooops. He's older by two years. Mom comes over and says, "Oh, Chowie is the more athletic one, but Jimmy is very artistic and musical." "Lucky of you to have one of both," I say. Hm... very interesting. I can imagine the rivalry between these two growing up. Which one would I rather be? Which would I choose if I had the choice of one or the other to go out with? Would I choose the athletic one for his strength, humor, and good looks, or would I choose the artist/musician for his will, depth of feeling, understanding of beauty and sorrow, etc? Who would be better in a relationship? Who would I bond better with? Who would make a better lover?

How come it always seems as if the younger sibling gets the better genes? They always seem taller, thinner, cuter, funnier, more popular... but not always smarter. :P

I really hope the powers that be don't decide to drop TNGC. What would I do w/o rollerhockey? The worst scenario is I grow out of touch w/ the friends I've made because we end up not making any time to hang out w/ each other w/o rollerhockey. Best case scenario, we replace TNGC w/ our own little TNDC. The bunch of us go out and get drunk every Thurs. No... that would get tired quickly. Well, it's out of my control what happens to TNGC. No use stressing it. I'll just hold off on buying my rollerhockey stick...

To find out of you are repressed, do drugs like e. Tell me what you did while on it and how you felt, and I'll tell you whether you're repressed or not. My diagnosis might not be right at all... but we'd both have fun figuring you out.

I'm in the habit of fixating.

My life is relatively simple. Simple, or dull? Well, uncomplicated and uneventful, but not unpleaseantly so. Calm. I'm no longer going crazy thinking of all the things I wanna do badly but can't because of money issues. Will I ever make a conscious effort to make my life more robust? Aren't I happy now?

Brian just asked me that.

From: "Brian ."
Subject: got your card
Date: Sun, 21 Apr 2002 22:46:27 -0700

That was nice of you. I know you must have carefully picked it out.
How are you? Are you happy? Please tell me the truth.

I'm ok. I'm going back to school soon.. down here. I'm going to be an
elementary school teacher.

Brian

I haven't replied yet 'cuz I'm not sure how to answer. If I say I am happy, would that make him feel good or bad? I should answer soon. It's been more than a week.

Stupid Blogger. Stupid Sun machine. I have been trying all day to get in here... and now I gotta go home.

I really need a hug right now... or a nice long kiss. Or even a quick fuck. Gimme physical... Don't want yer luv. Don't want yer monay. Just want ya sweet and sour hunnay...

Too many thoughts abound... Age old question. Where do I go from here? I feel so empty again... What's the big problem? Why can't I communicate anymore??

It seems so hard to strike up normal conversations these days... I don't know what to say to get closer to people, and I can't think of something clever to say in the meantime. Not being able to connect the way I want to is disheartening. I want to get to know him, her, and you... not everyone, a select few. Why is it so hard? Maybe I know too much already, and have assumed the rest... Or maybe I want to keep thinking you are the person I think you are, and I shy away from finding out I'm wrong about you. Maybe I just don't know how to give gifts... Or maybe I just need to read a modern-day version of the book How to Win Friends and Influence People.

I have not been reading; I am not learning much these days. The last two books I read all the way through, I read during my trip to China last summer. It's almost been a year since that trip... gosh, so hard to believe that it's been almost a year... One of the books I read during the my flight there was Go Ask Alice. That book has been on my mind lately... even before last Friday! If you haven't read it yet, DO.

Failed to enjoy work. Actually, failed even to try to enjoy it. Still fogged down a bit...

I believe that emotional trauma causes similar types of damage that the use of drugs can cause. It's funny to hear people say that drugs have made it hard for them to focus and remember things, think clearly and quickly, analyze thoroughly, communicate succinctly, and to strive for more than simple pleasures... because I have not had a drug problem so far but have been suffering from all of those exact same symptoms... for some time now. I first noticed the decline in college... during and after the psycho-ex years. My creativity dwindled, and I stopped being able to write. The druggies have finally caught up to me...

I am going to force myself to enjoy work today. Mind over misery. Let's see if I can do it.

Criminy!!! So I decide to look e up on the internet now... AFTER. Stupidass me.... The side effects include such things as paranoia, confusion, insomnia, anxiety, depression... all things I do NOT need a surplus of in my life! The effects last up to 2 weeks... so expect these sorts of blog entries for about that long. Tomorrow, I head out to GNC or the drugstore to pick up that 5HTP (I wonder if I could OD that stuff). I am convinced, finally, that I need to be serious about countermeasures. So much trouble out of one, er two, little pills... Arrrrghhh.

I just came back from a day of playing paintball. I had fun, but could've had a funner time. I dunno... something was kinda unsettling about seeing friends from different places all at once. I've seen it before... but not with people from such different parts of my life. Allie was there, my cousin Doug was there... and there were new people that I had met recently, like Sean, and people I just met today, like Kyle. I felt pressure to make sure everyone was having a good time, but I felt unable to connect with anyone. I haven't had enough sleep lately, and maybe that's why I felt so awkward. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to search for the appropriate words... I don't think I will coordinate anything big again for awhile. Maybe I need to do my own thing for some time... would love to take a trip by myself somewhere. I'm convinced that that's what the doctor would recommend for all that ails me.

Since getting home, I've been feeling depressed. The feeling started to grow on me since during the last paintball games. I just wanna go to bed and experience dreamless sleep for days... or nap in the warm sunlight while listening to the noises the breeze makes as it touches the objects around me. Warmth and those sounds will bring up pleasant items from my memory... I don't like working out some of my issues. I need to put them in the recycle bin and trash them, and move on... There is a moral to this story, and I must remember it.

The more I think about it, the less "should I or shouldn't I do it again?" is the question. I could have perfectly innocent e-pisodes that won't jeopardize any of my valued relationships or significantly bring down my health. And I really should have more faith in myself not to start an addiction to anything so harmful to my wellbeing... I think the real question is, "am I letting repression do me more harm than help?" If I use drugs as a way and excuse to unleash my inhibitions, I think I could actually become more addicted to the release than to the drugs. Not a well-thought-out idea...but deserving of notation nonetheless. I should resolve what to do about the above... Arghh, I'll repress dealing with repression for now. Seems so silly... and I have to get some sleep.

So last nite I finally went out to see why ppl rave about raves and to try e. I had been holding off until now for good reasons... one being that I kinda already knew that I would like e. I wouldn't go to a rave w/o also dropping because the price of admission does not seem worth just the music and environment. I'm not into trance as much as some; I feel as if I could compose/execute that type music myself if I made it my full-time job. Ok, maybe I wouldn't sell any CDs... Anyhow, a tendency toward drug and alcohol addiction/abuse runs in my dad's side of the family. Rather than guess that I have not inherited the tendency, I assume I do so that I can prepare myself against it...

To date, I've not been into recreation drugs, and I don't want to get into them at any point in my life. The ideal scenario is that I achieve a level of satisfaction that would cut out the need for exaggerated states of happiness that come from drugs like e. Whether reaching that level is possible for me, I don't know. But I want to work toward it and fail miserably before I start a reliance on drugs for highs. Drugs could bring me down way too quickly. I might actually fear the indirect consequences of doing drugs more than the direct ones. Yes, I worry about eventual death, but I don't worry as much about what drugs would do to my body as what they could do to my relationships... with Dave, my friends, my parents, etc.

I'm glad I tried e at least once. I'm not sure where exactly it lies on the scale of addictivity. But I think that for me any drug would be close to a 10. My experience... e definitely offered me the opportunity to act upon repressed desires. I counted on being able to attribute whatever I did last nite to e. I knew what I was doing, and didn't do anything that would repulse me if I had to do it sober. e did everything I would want a drug to do. It seems like the ideal drug. And I think that, yes, e heightens the happiness that is already inside someone... For those who didn't seem to revel in rolling as much as I did last nite, I think they weren't as happy because they brought issues to the table that had a limiting effect. I mean, you shouldn't try a drug if you are skeptical, or you plan to fight the effects, or if you have serious problems with the possibility of letting others see a true, uninhibited you.

So will I drop e again? I won't deny that I want to, but I am going to try hard to stay away from it. Having just dropped once, the pressure that my repressed desires place on me to come out has increased. I mean, whatever I wanted before, I want even moreso now that I've had a taste... I can remember the feelings I had on e, and hopefully I will forget soon so I don't end up sabotoging my future...

I experience sudden onslaughts of intense rage too. Something like spontaneous combustion. It almost feels good, though, to be that pumped up and lively. I'm always convinced it's righteous anger; I wouldn't have entered rage stage if whatever tripped me off didn't wholly deserve my wrath. It brings me chills to feel so alive... though there is always a lurking fear that if I did release the fireball, it would be as ineffective as a spark. I mean, I worry that my effectiveness would not match my fervor... just like in my dreams, when I never manage to do any damage to my attackers even though I'm swinging with all my might. I would feel so stupid because I couldn't pull through. Now add my fear of death. I no longer battle cars that have cut me off because now I imagine they all have bats in their trunks or guns in their glove compartments, and won't hesitate to use them on lil ol' ineffective me. I haven't had a bout of rage in the last couple months. Maybe my level of passion in general has decreased a bit since the new year...

I was wondering the other day whether I should work on getting rid of my fear of death, or at least toning it down. My answer was no, because I think that the fear is helping me preserve my life, as well as the quality of it. But I really feel silly always bringing it up as an excuse not to do things...

And people wonder why I don't wanna smoke pot while riding in their cars...

I can't sleep tonite. I think it's 'cuz i went to bed w/ damp hair, around 2 in the morning. My nose is running. When you have insomnia, but aren't really alert, your mind races. I keep thinking about all the stuff I have to do tomorrow... and I feel paranoid. I'm worried I will not do everything I need to do tomorrow in a timely manner, and plans will not pan out the way I want them to. I'm such a control freak. I'm also strangely worried about my death... I mean, my fear of death isn't new, but it's strange that I am actually examining events in my near future for any endangerment to my life. I do this when I am on ski lifts. I always try to have the optimal escape route calculated and ready in my mind to act upon in the event of an accident... If this chair were to fall, what's the most I could do to escape death? What is the best way to fall to incur the least damage? ...as if tucking into a ball and trying to eject myself out of the chair feet first could actually be done in the split second that it takes for the accident to occur... I want to do Friday Nite Skate again in the near future, but I am afraid this time I will die. I was so fearless the first time, having only rollerbladed a couple times, and not knowing how to brake yet. I am going to a rave this Friday... and there are seem to be many random and not-so-random ways I could die during/after the event. I was never before fearful about having large amounts of people around me. But for some reason, I am now. What do I fear? Mostly that I will be randomly selected for sabotoge... or that I will die on the way home. I really don't trust anyone else's driving these days. I wasn't like that in the past... would embrace free rides. Now I want to be designated driver when it's not Dave driving me to and from. I wonder how my driving compares to that of all of my friends... It would be cool if I could take them all to a race track one of these days and compare. I think I drive relatively well, but there is no way for me to be certain about it unless I raced others. I'm talking about driving stick... When you drive an automatic, and don't have to worry about the stick, you focus a bit more on manueverment. I used to weave a lot more when I had an automatic. When you drive a stick, you focus more on speed timing and other efficiencies... I think I have a good handle of those aspects. And I think I am more kinesthetically inclined than some. The one thing I can't really do well w/ my body is dance. I would love to learn how to dance... Need to get myself some of those clear plastic platforms that strippers wear. I love those. Saw 'em at a couple stores on Haight. Gotta get 'em one of these days.

I am going to try to go to sleep now. I have to be at work at 8:30am. Sigh.

"Can you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?"

I would hope so. To date, no one's ever come to me directly and said they couldn't quite. But maybe... maybe I am not very easily understood. I try to say things the simplest way possible. Sometimes I take shortcuts when I feel as if I can do so and still be understood. But I think that my whole perception of how I am coming across might be skewed. I think it might be an nightmarish experience to interact with myself from a third-person point of view.

I mean, either what I am saying doesn't make sense to you, sounds absurd to you, or needs clarification. Let me know which... instead of simply saying "huh?" or "what?" Help me help you understand me.

Tonight we play rollerhockey. I hope that the night doesn't get cancelled for any dumb reason. I can't afford to NOT play once a week. I need to kick up my skills a couple notches. And FAST. Will NOT let *anyone* surpass me. Especially not those competitive frebay folks who organize games w/o including me... Their clandestine games will not help them gain advantage over me.

So many goddamn times I wanna write here... but can't because I don't have a computer at home. Pity. I have so many things I gotta let out. I have badly wanted a laptop for quite awhile. Despite the fact that I'm not going to get to own my own computer for several years, I'm starting a new blog now. I wanna release all my thoughts somewhere... no-holds-barred. My new blog will include irrational rants, forbidden fantasies, and the mundane details of my day-to-day grind.

I have been getting to work past 11 for the last two weeks. That's not normal. I'm going thru something. Doesn't help that the weather keeps on changing unpredictably... I'm repressed, but voluntarily. I feel as I'm being a "good" girl, going down the shortest and straightest path to success and long term happiness. See, now I'm thinking long term. I'm also eating a lot more than before. Why is it so hard to get up in the mornings, even when I have a great motive to do so? I should get up early and exercise before I get in to work. I'm still on a quest to subdue the aging process. I must look good to make you love me. I continuously struggle with work, as I currently know it, being such a fact-of-life... spending so much time doing something that does nothing more for me than pay my bills. I want to do something that involves travel and more interaction with unique people.

I want to be an agent... Have you ever watched an episode of Alias? I would die within the first five mintues of my first mission. I don't have what it takes. But I wish I did. I am drawn to the idea of living a double life. Not because of the deception... but because it would allow me to experience more than one lifestyle simultaneously. I would not stoop to duplicity of lifestyle w/o justification. So many possibilities, so many types of Jennies... each just as interesting as the next. It seems a shame that I can only be one at once.

I tend to watch TV shows that are centered around the subject of death. Lately, I've been watching Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, and CSI. I tried watching Six Feet Under... but it was a bit too morbid for me. I wonder what working with dead people would do to me. Would it help me deal better with the issue of death? Or would it make me even more paranoid and preoccupied with death? Most probably the latter.

I feel sorry for my future kids. I don't know if I could resist the urge to try to make them my puppets. When they're old enough to overpower me, I dunno what I'd do. Maybe by then I'll be worn down and passive, like a neutered animal. Now, I suffer from power-envy. I want you to adore me, to be curious about me, to be impressed by me... I want you to laugh at my jokes, value my opinion... I want to collect you like toys. I would treat you well...

I don't really want to see him or talk to him on the phone;I imagine it would be awfully awkward. I wish there was some way he could just know what I want him to know... that the reason I couldn't be with him back then isn't that he wasn't a good boyfriend or that I'd stopped loving him. He was a near-perfect to me... sweet, caring, thoughtful, smart, funny, cute, forever lovable, and more. It WASN'T him, it WAS me. Maybe he already knows that or doesn't really need or care to know now. I wish I could be sure that if it matters, he knows. It'd be great if he somehow stumbled upon my blog and read all this here.

I logged in to my Hotmail account today to do some cleanup... to check to see there was any email from anyone from my distant past, by chance, amidst all the email re: parties and porn. Nothing but garbage in there. I emptied all the folders... except one, which contains some really old but memorable emails I've received. There were a couple from Brian... and I got blurry-eyed reading them. I wonder when/if I'm ever going to see him or talk to him. I wonder if I will ever stop feeling bad about the way I left him.

What I need to do is go grab my keyboard from my parents' home.

So I went to an Incubus concert last nite. Since it's been more than a couple months since I wanted to see them in concert, the enthusiasm had kinda died down by the date of the concert. I still remember searching the internet for concert dates back in the Fall, bothered that I didn't have any money to spare to buy myself the Morning View CD, and desperately looking for close-ups pix of Brandon... who is quite hot.

The concert was better than I'd expected, until the last couple of songs... which were still very good, but not quite as good 'cuz my feet felt like they were bouncing on broken glass. Sigh, another reason I need to lose weight... gotta stop punishing the feet this way.

Anyhow, what impressed me the most about the band is that they are so versatile. They pull off quite a variety of sounds. Sometimes pop, sometimes very rock, sometimes soft rock. Amazing.

Rock stars continue to have the ultimate young lives, seemingly. To mention the lead singer again, he is cut and gorgeous because he doesn't have to sit on his ass all day behind a desk. He gets a great workout every time he performs. Runner's high is great, but I bet Performer's high is out-of-this-world. Offhand note: the guy's voice sounds funny when he's not singing. And who knows, maybe he wears makeup. But whatever the case, if I could have a white man just like him, I'd b happy... for at least 5 minutes. Guilt-free.

After further thinking... nah, it can't be a friend-related issue either that's getting me down. I can't imagine what more they could do to make me happier. It's gotta be that whole fundamental emptiness thing again...

Maybe if I stuff myself with icecream and gummybears tonite I'll feel better... for about 5 minutes. Then enormous guilt will settle in.

It probably boils down to me getting as much as I put in, which is not really much, I know.

I am not able to focus on my work today. I am bothered. But I'm not completely sure about what is truly bothering me. At first, I thought it's my relationship w/ Dave. But no... no new or big issues there. The more I think about it, the more I think it's about my friends. But I can't pinpoint what bothers me about them. What is it I really want out of them? Aren't I getting as much as I want?

I don't feel good today. Not that I'm usually a bundle of smiles and laughter. A series of bad dreams last night has left me grumpier than usual.

Maybe I had bad dreams because I was questioning myself about some things over the weekend... my relationship with Dave being one of those things. I wonder... does he possess the bundle of stats that is most optimal for me... and/or is he the best I can do for myself at this time? Is cuteness and smartness enough? Would I be happy marrying cuteness and smartness, if cuteness and deepness were available/attainable? If not, what do I do now?

I think I should be more cheerful in public. And maybe I should examine why I do not get very close to many people... Is it unwillingness on my part, or is it failure or inability? Maybe, I AM close, but I just never feel as if I am. Maybe my idea of close is more strictly defined. Am I alone again? If so, why do I not feel so bothered by it? Am I supressing? Maybe I am not really in touch with what truly bothers me. Maybe, again, my subconscious is trying to tell me something or get me to feel something... I dunno...

I meant to write here two days ago, and yesterday too... I wanted to write on 4/10 because it was Brian's bday.

I sent him a card today... late. I feel bad. I debated long about whether to send an card or an ecard, or nothing. I had things to say about him here two days ago. Those things have since flittered out of my mind. I will have to write about something else.

All things taken into consideration, life is better now than it was 2 years ago. (Do I keep on repeating this?) I've asked myself why things are better... and I think the answer must be that there are a lot more ppl in my life now. Having this many ppl to play with was not possible while I was in my past relationships. I am not particularly close to most of the ppl in my life, but they are there. And that seems to be enough for me... I feel as if I'm a team manager, and the people in my life are players on my team. I choose my team based on stats. I add and drop as necessary so as to come out on top in the whole game of life. If I have to drop players for better players to win, I'll do it. And sometimes there are mutually beneficial trades.

Mutually beneficial interactions are the best. You give me X, I give u Y. We both walk away happy.

Yesterday's topic of interest was babies and marriage. I am ready to start planning for both now. Something clicked this week, and I realized that to make both work, I have to start laying some things down now. Optimally, I would start having babies around age 31. That's some time from now. Between now and then, there are a buncha things i need to get done. I'm giving myself that much time, tho... before my self-centered life ends and I start living through my kids.

I tolerate sad people a lot better than I tolerate angry people. But I'd rather be an angry person than a sad person. I remember when I first learned how to convert my angst into anger... during the last days of my college experience. It's essential to know how to do that. There's constructive anger and waste-of-time anger, in my opinion. I think some people go the way of waste. There is a difference between defensive or vindictive anger and i-feel-the-need-to-pound-something-down-just-for-the-hell-of-it anger or please-remove-this-stick-from-up-my-ass-before-i-ram-one-up-yours-for-no-particular-reason anger.

I'm so incredibly lazy. I stayed in bed until 9:30am today just to keep on dreaming.

I had an interesting dream. A big group of us were on a journey through a forest on a mountain. Along the way, I found one of my friends being beaten to death. And he was not fighting back. In fact, he was willing to die. He had a smile on his face, as if he had arranged to be beaten to death like that... homicidal suicide or something. Anyhow, I wanted him to live so much more than he did. I pleaded with him to not let himself go this way. He wouldn't listen. He just continued to let his attackers sap his life. Finally, I rushed in and snatched him away... I had him in a strong hold. He was safe from harm in my arms, and then I kissed him. He kissed me back, passionately, and I felt as if I had saved him... as if giving him love made him forget about wanting to die. And after having saved his life, I wanted him so much... We continued to kiss. It was such a glorious moment. Such a rush of feeling that I don't experience in real life these days.

So later when I woke up, I wondered... Have I been receiving subconscious messages from my friend in real life? Is he on the verge of suicide, or ambivalent about whether he lives or dies? If I knew he was on the edge ready to jump, I would definitely step in. But with my love? Do I have subconscious feelings of love for him? In real life, I don't. However, I suspect my subconscious has more of an influence on me than it should sometimes. I mean, the dream seems to come before the feeling. I guess it's a unique way of fantasizing... leaving it up to my subconscious to create characters out of the people I know. Then in real life, I see ppl the way my subconscious wants to see them. Not as they really are. It's more amusing that way... I end up never really getting to know ppl for who they really are, for better or for worse.

I've was sick the last couple of days. There's nothing like being sick to curb a raging appetite. But now that I'm feeling better, the NEED for FEED has set back in. Prognosis: I am never going to lose the amount of fat I need/want to lose. The other day, I happened to catch a glimpse of my hind quarters in a changing room mirror... damn. Is that MY blubbery ass propped up by two chunky dimpled drumsticks eating that poor tiny thong??

It's so hard to do what I need to do to fix...

I saw AI the movie on Sat nite. Though the plot of the movie is questionable, the work that ILM did in it deserves a hearty A. I'd have to say, the best thing about AI is Teddy. I SOOO want Teddy now. SOOO cute. GIMME!! Although the movie's slightly unsucessful melodrama itself takes down most of the gravity of the moral issues it touches upon, as well as the tragedy of the situations in which the characters find themselves, Teddy is the clincher. In a similar manner as Wilson in Castaway and JarJarBinks in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, Teddy distracts and detracts. But dissimilarly, he is not a tad bit ludicrous or annoyingly childish. By the end of the movie, I cared so much more about the fate and feelings of Teddy than any of the other characters. It seemed much more of a tragedy that at the end that Teddy was left utterly alone than that the main character suffered for over 2000 years w/o love.

My network connection fuckin sucks here at work right now. For those of you who don't already know, I work at Sun Microsystems. "The Network is the computer," or more recently, "We make the Net Work." Yeah right. Every single day. My network connection limits my productivity tenfold. Browser pages take 30 seconds to 5 minutes to load. Applications take 20 seconds to save documents... etc.

Well, I'm more or less satisfied here in this position now. On Monday, I'll finally be earning within 1k of what I was earning yearly nearly two years ago. I've worked hard to get within 5k of what I used to earn... Not there yet, but I'm on my way, full speed ahead... Pure blood, sweat, and tears.

Last nite I had dinner with Allie. Every time I talk to her, I move a step closer to complete closure. I met Allie in June 2000 when I was looking for a new place to live. Instead of moving in to her house, I moved into her workplace. That was the beginning of the end of my 2k-a-month (on wining/dining, drinking/partying, travelling/exploring, shopping/pampering, totally LIVING to the max) lifestyle. After a couple of months of insanity at that whorehouse, and the aftermath, I was left with 20k credit card debt and 26k in lost wages, very little self-confidence, shame and guilt for having to depend on someone else for my meals and entertainment, and bi-sexual "friends" I have since worked on trying to stay out of touch with. Except Allie. She apologizes profusely each and every time we talk, for enticing me into the place of debauchery... (I don't blame her... It was entirely my decision.) She's so anxious to leave there, and I'm doing all I can to help her get out. Oh and she's not bi-sexual.

Once she finds a great new job, I will be able to slam the door completely shut and dead bolt it down behind me. THAT'S when you'll finally stop having to hear about all this shit again and again...

You're Wakka! Sometimes you can be a little biased, and very emotional (especially if its relating to family and close friends). You'll often judge individuals by how they look, or their background rather by getting to know them personally. You have a short temper, raging emotions... but you're usually fun to be with.

Which Final Fantasy X Character would YOU be? Take the test.

My wisdom teeth are hurting me. The lower left ached terribly yesterday. I've been putting off getting all my wisdom teeth taken out for nearly a decade. My dentist, who is also my uncle, says that the older I am when I get them out, the more suffering there will be. Them roots are probably pretty long and deep by now. So why didn't I get these puppies taken out before, and why am I not jumping to make an appointment to get them taken out now? Same reason... overwhelming fear of death. Local anesthesia is out of the question; I couldn't bear to watch them stick those sharp tools in my mouth, feel the pressure of the scalpels, see my blood through the suction tube, etc. I'd have nightmares and phantom pains for days. But I'm so afraid that if they knock me completely out, I'd never wake up again. Back 10 years ago, I heard that there was a high risk of that type of thing happening... I must've read it somewhere. I guess I should try to find current stats for complete anesthesia today or soon... and even so, I'm going to have to wait until I have some money to spend on the procedure.

Everyone's gotta be allowed to have someone in their lives that they don't like for no really good reason...

I like about 85% of the people I meet at first sight. Pretty high percentage. I'd say up to 80% of the ppl that I initially dislike I give second chances. But there's that small percentage who, no matter how nice they really are or no matter how unmerited my dislike for them, I don't give any chances to get into my good graces. They're lost causes. I like to dislike them. And I'm stubborn about it.

Examples of types I don't like...

1) women with hair that's too short
2) men who look like women with hair that's too short
3) women who prefer the company of men but who pretend to like women
4) people who are too cheerful all the time
5) people who embrace drama
6) men who perceive women as objects or toys
7) women who remind me of young boys

Fixations. What're yours? I've had an oral fixation for forever. I think now I have a death fixation too... 'Course those fixations are two totally different kinds. I mean, I don't like death and don't wanna experience it in any way. It's just... I think I dwell on it more than others around me...

Well, I received an email the other day... It's about Maria, Andrea's sister, who was shot and killed last year in June. The email is an invitation. Her friends and family are celebrating her birthday all day next weekend -- visiting the site where she was shot and the cemetary where she rests, and starting a foundation for her during a dinner party in the evening - and my presence at these "festivities" has been requested .

I really really want to support my friend Andrea... like I wanted to when the death just happened. But... I could hardly deal with the situation back then, and I still can't quite. It's been many months. I have avoided seeing Andrea since the first month. I have tried to keep in touch with her through email. But I never know what to say, and my emails are two-liners. She doesn't ever write back. I understand that... and I know what I should be doing is visiting her. I just can't bring myself to... It's hard to even talk about her. I am so averse to remembering Maria's death. Andrea and her friends and family seem so obssessed with immersing themselves in it... for as long as possible. Not willing to forget and move on. And I suppose that's natural. And good for them. But it makes me sick to think about it all now. I don't think I will ever dissociate Andrea from that death. I can't hang out with her. I don't want her to think I am only a fair-weather friend. But I have no will to allow myself to suffer along with her at this time.

I'll contribute to the foundation, but I won't participate in the the celebration of a dead person's birthday. Poor as I am, I would rather contribute than find myself in a cemetery, donning a sad, frowny face, scrambling for words to say to a teary-eyed Andrea and family, and dwelling on the questions of life and death that trouble me enough as it is...

Please forgive me, Andrea.

Dissident Reign.

I've been thinking over the last couple months that if I got to name a summon or aeon or some 'specially awesome move within a video game, I'd bestow Dissident Reign. I like the sound of that because it sounds like "distant rain" or "dissident rain" or "distant reign."

I wish I had the talent necessary to work at a game company and help develop characters and storylines and names of various things within games.

In college, I used to wonder which I'd pick if I was offered either perfect skin or a perfect body. Like, if I ran into a genie, and those were my only two wish options... Back then, my bod wasn't all that bad but I had more than my share of zits. And I was born with semi-rough and dry skin. A mild form of keratosis. So from early on I wanted to become a dermatologist or internal med doctor when I grew up. I didn't know if I'd outgrow the zits by my 20s, and having clear skin during your teens and early 20s is highly advantageous. But tho I worked out arduously, my idea of the perfect body always seemed a bit out of reach. Like, you'd have to have been born with a specific bone structure to look the way I wanted to... So I was in a quandary over which option I'd pick for the longest time. Now, I think I'd pick perfect body... tho it might be weird to have a perfect body when I'm old. That'd look pretty freakazoid. But I'd not have to work out as much for the rest of my life. And I could use the extra time... to work more and attain my other goal.

I dunno... Thing is, if I was given a third option, the ability to determine when I die, I'd take that option hands down. I'd take that over an option to have unlimited amount of money, or enough to travel the world for 40 years and not have to work. I worry about sudden death a lot. I worry that it will catch me before I've figured out whether to believe in Heaven and Hell. So, it's the best option yet. Even if another option was the ability to determine how I die. I'd still pick the when over the how. Time.

A year or so ago, I thought I was going through an ugly stage... I thought, well, once I got back my money, I'd be able to spend on fixing myself up and maintaining like I used to. Since, I've realized that THIS AIN'T NO STAGE. I'm simply GETTING OLD... and there is no turning back. No amount of money or working out will bring back the former face and bod... but that's alright. I've had my days, and it's time for others to shine. U early 20-year-olds, flaunt what u got while u still got it. Revel in your youth and beauty, and exercise the power that is yours because you possess them. Go out and use them to get a head start in the game called the rest of your life.... while I go on with my pilgrimage.

I want to go on a pilgrimage.

Gosh, me and GAMES. I'm a speed (dist/time, not the drug) and competition junkie. I got into work and online this morning to find out that guy in first place, Fish-Eye-Fool, in my Fantasy NBA game picked up a player I've had my eyes set on for days. I had to wait until the games were over last nite to make a final decision re: who to drop to pick up the new player. Damnit. Now I'm going to have to devote an hr of work time trying to figure out how to upset Fish-Eye-Fool's new advantage... Playing these games is so fun. It's just, my whole mood dropped when I saw that my player had been picked up today. I will be steaming about it for the next couple of days...

Oh, me feeling empty doesn't mean I also feel unhappy. I'm not that unhappy... I'm unmotivated to live, not unwilling to live.

One of my friends broke up w/ his girlfriend on Friday. He says the emptiness he feels keeps him from sleeping. His emptiness, my emptiness... the difference is, I still have a significant other. I suppose his emptiness is exacerbated or simply accompanied by loneliness. I don't feel lonely. Just empty. This BIG EMPTY (to borrow the song title) has been with me for awhile, through the eras of my life, through many relationships...

When u spend the majority of your life having religion (the kind that insists u are an evildoer destined for a horrible eternity if u don't live the rest of your life allowing overwhelming guilt to compel u to supress your human nature) crammed down your throat to the point that u gag, and blasted into your brain so that it is impossible for u to ever become a complete athiest, the moment u have not only rejected it but have also finally broken away from the chokehold it has had on every aspect of your life up until that moment, u suddenly realize that your life no longer has MEANING. It's the ultimate in bad epiphanies. You've been irreversibly conditioned into needing there to be some purpose for life, even though u won't accept that it's to glorify God. U are unable to comprehend or deal with the possibility that there is absolutely no real rhyme or reason to life.

U scramble to find new meaning because without it, life doesn't seem worth the effort (er, heart blood - per 2/5/2001 post) most of the time... So when u come up with nothing good enough time and time again... BIG EMPTY.

What I have in the interim to fill the void is the pursuit of wealth and the ultimate bod. But that's not going too well.

I was thinking about the above while I was driving to work this morning... and as soon as I had completed the thought, I looked down to see a bumper sticker on the car in front of me that read, "Death is not fatal... Trust Jesus." Weeeeeell, whaddaya know? Was that a mere coincidence, or are my mom's prayers actually working??

I haven't been to a comedy club in awhile. I'd like to go sometime soon. Get my laugh on... I have a pretty unique sense of humor, tho... I don't find many things funny that a lot of other people do. Most of the time, I find myself laughing out of courtesy or peer pressure or 'cuz i'm drunk and can't help myself. My humor is sarcastic and quite esoteric, and the one person in this world that I think emulates and appreciates a similar type of humor is my ex-, Brian.

I haven't yet passed the amount of time that it would take for me to stop thinking about Brian at least every other day. Especially lately, he loiters in my mind... since I have been doing a lot of reminiscing about my days at Cal and immediately after. Cal came back up in my mind in a rush when I started hanging out with people from Cal again... late last year. One of these days, I'll figure out a justifiable reason to email Brian. It's been months since we last talked, and I fear his response... or lack of response.

I had lunch with an old coworker today. I have lunch with him once every couple of months. And he always pays... even when I actually have cash in my wallet, and I throw it out on the table before he gets his credit card out. Our conversations are always pretty much the same. He talks about remodeling a new house he's bought. Gives me an update on his house in Tahoe and his other house in Mexico. He asks me if I'm still with "what's-his-name." I tell him yes, things are going WELL with us. I emphasize WELL... I ask him about his girlfriend turned wife. He just married her in December. He says she sold her house and moved in with him... more for convenience than any other reason, he points out. He sighs and says she made him marry her because she wants kids. I ask him if he wants kids. He says he can imagine treating his kids a lot better than he treats his wife... Lunch is over, and before I can leave, he suddenly forces me into a bear hug and tells me he's always had a huge crush on me and wants me so badly he would pay. I tell him he's a bad, silly man and push him away. But no, I'm not offended. As he walks away, he tells me to give him a call if I ever need anything at all. This same script plays out EVERY SINGLE TIME I see him. And I guess one of these days, I should just not answer his emails or calls to go out to lunch because I know he's gonna proposition me at the end of the meal... Aside from trying to pay me for sex, he's not that bad friend, tho... He's good for free lunches, and I've kept him on my "network" list... just in case some day all this small degree of sexual abuse I endure could pay off.

OK. I'm not really that huge a fan. Just a bigger fan than I am of any other band at the moment. And I wouldn't really kick anyone out of my life... unless they repeatedly dogged me, and I had problems with their personality to begin with.

U had to have known I'm a huge Incubus fan... If u didn't know, get to know me better! I'd been looking for concert tix since November 01. Glad I found out about it... before tix sold out. If that happened, and I found out after the fact, I'd have kicked yer ass out of my life... well, maybe just for a month or so.

Games like FFX have a way of making real life seem even more depressing, dull, and meaningless. Where are my missions? What am I fighting for that is worth my life? Where is my posse to fight each of my battles alongside me?

There are always very religious themes running through these games, which tend to make an agnostic life w/ minimal interaction with God seem so... wrong. And wasteful.

My only real gripe with the game is the translation of the dialog from Japanese to English, including the bad lip sync due to not changing the mouth movements to form the English dialog instead of the original Japanese. To get over the sometimes choppy, odd, or implausible dialog, I just ignore the voices and "hear" the original Japanese dialog while doing my best to get the ideas it's trying to convey from the text. I figure some congruency had to have been lost during the translation and adaptation to audio. Or, some understanding of why the characters act/react a particular way (Japanese culture influence?) could have been lost when the Japanese was taken out. I kinda wish they had an option for me to hear the Japanese while reading the English "subtitles."

I snowboarded at Northstar yesterday. Day trip. Troubling things happened. Seems as if I can't go on any trips anymore in which troubling things don't happen. Our party of five got in at most 3.5 hrs of snowboarding... and Karl busted his knee. There's a lot riding on that knee... a lot of rollerhockey and ice hockey games. And I'd really hate to see Karl's dare-devil side subside because of this injury. I always liked that side of Karl. It seems to be what most ppl know him for. I indulge in imagining he's living his life like an RPG game character thrust into adventure... like Cloud or Tidus. He even looks like those characters to me.

The most troubling thing that happened to me yesterday is that I was forced to spend 100+ bux on the entire day. There goes my life for a month. I was hoping to use someone's season pass for half off the lift ticket price; I shoulda known the deal wouldn't work on a holiday. I don't regret renting the truck, despite the amount of time it cost us. That was a GREAT idea and a great deal. Driving that automatic giant was fun, tho my leg of the trip was on pretty straight and uneventful road.

It's pretty interesting riding in a car w/ 4 other introverts. I think we five are all introverts of similar kind by nature... the kind that are known to some as mellow and brooding, and by others as relatively talkative and friendly. I've recently (within the year) retreated into my introverted nature. Introversion is not a negative thing. I don't mind it.

FFX gets better and better the longer you play it. The start is kinda slow... but the story and characters grow on u. Now that I'm 16 hrs into the game, I can't really remember what I liked so much about FF7 that isn't also in FFX... and BETTER. And, my brain is getting lazier and lazier... so I think maybe I'd be frustrated w/ materia and all the options it offers if I had to deal w/ it in FFX.

I think I'll rescind my 8.5 out of 10... and just go ahead and give FFX 11 out of 10 now. I mean, the graphics alone deserve that.

I ate French food last nite, at a place in the City called La Folie. Inadvertently ordered two dishes containing Foie Gras... Foie Gras is glorifed liver. Normally, I abhor liver. But in Foie Gras form, it takes on whole different meaning to me.

I've been playing Final Fantasy X lately. If I wasn't so damn lazy, I'd make "Final Fantasy X" in the previous sentence a link to the game's site. Hell, I'd have included links in every one of these silly posts, just for your happy clicking amusement! :P Anyhow, FFX is a good waste of time. Not like watchng Blind Date and other such demeaning shows on TV... which is a BAD waste of time.

I didn't read any reviews before I started playing. The Final Fantasy games' reputation, my past experience, and my brother's enthusiastic recommendation preceded my decision to spend 50+ hours on the video game. What's my personal review of the game so far based on about 10 hrs of saved game time? I'd give it 8.5 out of 10 stars, 10 being the high standard that FF7 set back 1998. In terms of graphics, FFX is like no other game I have ever played. Awe-inspiring... intricately and impeccably detailed. The scenes, other playing modes, and object movement flow so smoothly. The game teems with designer/programmer brilliance... or maybe just in the layman's eyes? I don't play too many games.

In terms of playability, the game's been fun enough to keep me occupied 3 hrs a day on average. I still manage to get in my workouts after work and dinnner, albeit far less frequently.

BUT I'm a materia girl. In terms of how the characters' abilities develop, I think FF7's use of materia is most ingenious. Also, in FF7, everything - abilities, weapon skills, weapon effectiveness, summons, magic, magic skills, etc. - leveled up based on direct experience. That's intuitive, efficient, and life-like. Also, I think the storyline of FF7 can't be beat. All the characters had serious issues, but they were easy to empathize with at the same time. The characters as well as the game's theme has a more balanced mixture of cartoon-ness and depth than that of later FFs, in my opinion... based on my failing memory, but lasting impressions.

Uh oh. I've run out of time on this Friday evening. Maybe I'll revisit this topic again in the future...

After 3.5 months, Puddle of Mudd's song Blurry is still by far my fave song on the radio. Eh, why is it we can't sing these types of songs when we go sing karaoke at the few places there are to go kk-ing in these parts?

Whenever we go, every one of my non-fobby kk-ing friends always wants to sing stupid 80's songs all nite. 80's songs sorely suck. They're so bad. I mean, there may be some exceptions... like early U2 or some REM. I dunno... And I can even deal w/ Madonna's and Michael Jackson's 80's pop. But just about everything else that came out during that creatively insignificant and unproductive decade, characterized by such horrific things as leg-warmers, hairspray, and parachute pants ... Yecchhhh!! Yeah, maybe everyone likewise realizes 80's music sux, but they still like to belt out to those tunes during karaoke because: 1) the songs tie them to some parts of their lives which have grown reminisce-able, 2) those are the majority of the selection of "newer" songs within those crappy binders at the kk places.

(What's up w/ those binders anyway? When are the kk studio owners gonna replace 'em w/ electronic catalogs that allow one to search and select songs based on keywords, title, and/or author? Am I just such being nerdy and unreasonable to require such electronic gadgetry in order to have a most pleasant and fulfilling experience at these places??)

Anyhow... I really didn't start asserting my independence and living my own life until the 90's. Those 10 years. I could make a drama series that plays for 10 years out of that era of m'life. Pre-90's, my parents wouldn't let me listen to music that wasn't Christian or Classical. Until I got a car (early 90's), I didn't start listening to anything else.

I thought today was gonna b an ant-free day. But look, here they come marching on... They can't get enough of me, apparently. Can't even give me one day off!

On Friday nite, I slept so well... the best that I have in a long time. I haven't had quality sleep lately. Quantity, tho. But Friday nite, I had taken painkillers an hour or so prior to hittin the sheets. And when I woke up, I felt completely refreshed. The best I've felt during AM hrs in ages. Now I'm joking w/ myself about starting a painkiller habit.

I hardly took any meds while growing up. Thanks to my pharmacist mom. I had a bad incident when I was a toddler. They gave me Bayer, and I threw up blood. After that, they wouldn't give me any painkillers for anything. I don't remember ever needing them anyhow.

I don't have any African American friends. Not a one. I wish I did. At least one. I sincerely feel a void w/o them around me. From mid-HS and through the end of college, I saw them all the time. It was comforting enough to have them milling about within feet and/or inches. They made me feel closer to the real world. Back then, because their attitudes and behaviors seemed basic and natural compared to mine and people in my immediate circle of friends, they appeared transparent. And I found something heart-warming about that transparency.

After I graduated from Cal and started living further south, I hardly ever saw any. It's only when I have the chance to venture up into the ol' areas - Hayward, San Leandro, and north - that I see them at all these days. I went to a Warriors game a couple weeks ago. That was the last time I saw them in mass quantities.

The affinity for Afam males was probably seeded at the time my dad opened up his retail sports fan store in Alameda, while I was in HS. Working there, I was exposed to Afams all the time. Growing up among snobby white ppl in a private school left me with a bad taste in my mouth for that race, especially for white women. Asians... it was hard to respect their issues at that time, being a confused one of them.. I found Afams in general to be much less shrouded by fear and self-consciousness. They don't seem to let anything hold them back from doing and saying what they feel. Their ways are vocal and straightforward. They are exceptional athletes and musicians and have therefore taken over the entertainment media.

Physically, they are very fine specimens of the human kind.

But they are yet unreachable to me. When would i have the opportunity to more closely interact with themt? Why would any of them feel the compulsion to be MY friend?

Perhaps now, that is part of why I enjoy Fantasy NBA as much as I do... because I'm allowed to imagine that I OWN a whole team of them. Like collectible puppets, they are performing for me... Great to look at. Great to listen to. Great entertainment value... I realize that I've come to objectify them in a childlike way. Oh well. I'm highly amused, at least.

Drunk Asians don't look good. Horrific. Go to any Asian Party website and check out the pictures they have on display of Asian ppl dancing and posing after drinking. Even the cutest Asian chix look like shit... all red-blotchy and puffy w/ red eyes and the like. Granted, I know I look freakn ugly when I'm drunk. But at that point, I'm too drunk to care. Yes, this most self-conscious, neurotic chick loses all of her worries after drink #2...

Well, if you've got proof otherwise... u got pix of drunk Asians that look pretty decent, send em over for me to check out.

New band name. I'd call ourselves "Yes No Maybe."

I have an everpresent and overwhelming amount of love for my parents. The deepest love I believe I'm capable of feeling... twinged w/ sadness. It's most likely that my parents will be around for another 20+ years... but I feel as if their passing is just around the corner. When I lose them, I will feel a grave and terrible alone-ness. I do not imagine myself handling that kind of alone-ness well; I'm not that strong. I don't think I could deal with it unless I've started my own family by then. I feel so guilty for loving my parents so much and yet not making an effort to interact with them more and not allowing them to know more about my current life. I think about them all the time, but I see them only once every 2 or 3 weeks for just a couple hours. They live only 30 minutes away. I never call. And when my mom calls, I can't help being irritated at her for whatever she says or asks of me. Every week, no fail, my mom risks asking me to come to church. She cares so much about my soul that she regards the risk of angering me and/or alienating herself from me so worth it... if it means possibly saving my soul from hell.

I should call her today to see how she is doing. I need to do that more often.

I don't like leather seats in a car. I've gone w/ cloth and I haven't regretted choosing it for a second. Leather seats only LOOK good. They don't smell good, don't feel good, don't wear well... If I bought a expensive, brand-name, luxury car, I'd HAVE to go w/ leather seats or my car would look cheap. The thing I hate the most about leather seats is that they're never the temperature u need them to b... They're too hot when it's hot, too cold when it's cold.

I still enjoy the act of driving. Alone. It's when I'm driving alone that I get my best thinking and mental healing done. I can wake up cranky, leave the house cranky, but the drive to work can change all that. I think sitting in the driver's seat driving to my destination of choice the closest to full control I ever get... It's when I have the most power in my hands.

"Saam Huet." Heart blood. It's the title of a song that came out some time while I was still in college. Humongous EFFORT... is what I was told "saam huet" means in Cantonese. THIS is kind of effort I put out these days. It really feels so... Heart blood. THAT's the type of blood I feel I expend every time I try for things... things I can't have and can't quite attain. It sure does ache. I'm not half-hearted about most things; I have never really been that way. All my life... Passionate. It's just that NOW, my blood is more precious than it has ever been. I have so little left. And even if I had a lot to give, something tells me I'll always be wringing my heart...

Alright. Here I am. I've been sleeping 8 to 9 hours a nite... but still, I could sleep for hours longer. It's so painful to get up and out. I would like to just sleep for another 2 or three hours, and then get up and move to the couch and sit in front of the TV for the rest of the day... basically killing time until I can hop back into bed. Mental lights out. Yeah. I've lost my motivation to live again. I'm not depressed. At least I don't think I am... because I don't feel sad. Just UNMOTIVATED. And maybe despondent. I just don't feel as if I have much of anything to look forward to in the near future... Therefore, I don't feel like hurrying out of the one place I feel so perfectly warm, relaxed, and at ease. It's hard to look forward to a far-off future when my next five years will be spent living just like this... with no money to do or have the things that bring MEANING to my life. Money provides the freedom to do or have those kindsa things... and five years seems like much too long to have to wait sometimes. Why am I so impatient? Why am I so pessimistic? I need to rid myself of the philosophy that "if I can't get what I want out of my life, then it's not worth living."

I will snap out of this in a week or so. But for now, this is why it's hard for me to get myself out of my comfort zone... the bed, the house...

If I was an Autobot, I'd be:

Take the Transformers personality test at android5.com!

Life sux rite now. Today. This moment. Sometimes just how bothered I am about my poverty-stricken condition becomes frustratingly apparent, and the masochist in me compels me to berate myself about it for the nth time... I hate how the best I can do rite now, today, at this moment just is NOT cutting it. I know I won't be happy simply doing the best that I can for the rest of my life if I don't rise much further above this level. I need to do it soon... I feel as if I'm wasting my life.

If my pain-tolerance wasn't so low, and I realized I'd never rise above this level, I'd join the Army. I'd like to be a special agent, like the Delta Force guys in Black Hawk Down. Well, even then, I'd be pissed if I didn't have the physical or mental aptitude to be a good soldier.

Ethan Zohn, winner of Survivor 3 Africa's million dollars is an absolute HOTTIE. U read about him and think... what more could I possibly want?? Well, that's the thing... We only seem to see certain sides of ppl who are in shobiz... the side of them that the showbizpplmakers want us to see. Fully fabricated, partially, or not... how would we know? I wish I had ppl to glaze me over... to present me as a much better person than I really am, blemish-free in all my pictures, never wearing clothes which do not flatter my figure... to pick out my meals and my charities for me, write my lines so I never blurt out what's really on my mind -- the mundane stuff I imagine few ppl are really interested in...

I know what it is... I'm much too serious. And I'm not funny. Well, what I say doesn't make other ppl chuckle, snicker, roar, or think I'm clever.

But *I* think I'm funny. And I'm fine w/ other ppl not thinking I'm funny. I don't think most other people are funny when they try to be funny. Every joke, every sarcastic remark - well, almost every - has been played out. Overdone. No longer funny to me and worthy of a laugh. Most of the time, people make me laugh NOT at what they're saying but how they're acting, when they're not intentionally acting. I hate when ppl laugh at other ppl's jokes when they're not funny... It's like undue praise.

If the stupid radio worked in my office, I'd be able to expose myself to better music... Oh, also if I wasn't banned from using a PC here and all the wonderful Microsoft products and audio programs out there that are made to run on Windows but not Solaris... Oh well, I'm coping.

Among my rhockey (rollerhockey) group o friends, there's been a lot o luv in the air within the last couple of weeks, maybe two months or so. Like malaria. Or I dunno... But I'm actually going to mention names here. Wow... never really talked about other ppl but ME here. So this will b a nice change from the usual "I don't have money so my life sux" posts that you've been bombarded w/ since the inception of this thing...

Here goes. So take Jason and Karin for example... two resesrved people who I don't know yet too too well and hardly ever really see. But I suspect I know enough to know trust them (they're both genuinely good people)... and to feel like they have really found something special when they met each other. Characterwise, so similar. So compatible. I can't imagine what could ever break them apart now that they are together. How could they NOT be together from this day forward until the end? Why did I bring this up... Well, because this is a first for me... seeing two people my age getting together that really seem to belong to each other from the beginning. It feels good to see it... I mean, I don't have any doubts about them, whereas whenever I see other couples, I always feel some degree of doubt that the two will stay together... I dunno... maybe I'm just seeing whatever I wanna see.

Song of the moment: Hoobastank - Crawling in the Dark

I'm confused by women. I don't really know what I think about them... I'm a woman, but I don't really feel like an Earth woman. I feel like I am a third gender. I've said this before...

Anyhow, women give me strange feelings. With guys, everything's pretty cut and dry. I either like him or I don't. He's cool or he ain't. But with women, it's one day at a time. She's a skanky bitch one day, and I wanna see her fall flat on her face and embarrass herself. She's a sweetie angel the next, and I wanna b her best friend for life. Tomorrow I will be jealous of her new clothes and her money and her figure and the attention she gets but doesn't deserve. But today she's so cute I can't stop staring and caring, and I wanna hold her in my arms...

Maybe she feels the same way about me...

I write here only while I'm at work and connected... which is when I'm not doing much insightful thinking at all. Not that I really need, in any way, to justify the fact that my blog is rather boring and redundant and contains nothing much of interest to anyone but myself. :P

To date, I've not written much about the day-to-day stuff - people and events - that goes on around me (but doesn't necessarily involve me), but maybe I will from now on just so you'll think I have more of a life than currently appears. Yeah, i DO care what you think... to some extent. :)

Ok. So what did I do yesterday... Work as usual. And the site our group produced still works off and on and is probably the most shameful thing I've been associated w/ (in a work situation) in my whole history of employment. I didn't develop it. All I do is confirm what a malfunctional piece of shit it is with every bug I find.

Hm... If I was ever offered the chance to look into my own future, I would turn the opp'ty down. Vehemently. VEE-uh-mently. I would never want to know in advance what's to become of me. It could only disappoint me... which would make me wanna end my life right here and now and spare the air for someone else. And if it was better than I'd expect, then I'd just lose motivation to get outta this yucky rut of destitution that I'm in... So either way, any motivation for working hard right now towards success would b killed.

Well, on with yesterday... I came home from work and ate beef with rice for the third meal in a row. I eat meals in rows these days 'cuz we make the leftovers last as long as possible. I coulda had the same stuff FOUR meals in a row if I'd packed it up for lunch today. But the thot made my stomach churn... Ok, now this is silly. I'm rambling and wasting internet space. Don't worry... I'll eventually come to a nice comfortable medium amount of blah to put up here.

I went to a rollerhockey game last nite. Much of what I take away from experiences are feelings, tho. I don't really know what I felt coming away from that experience... not too much, I guess. I'm going to go now. I will try again (to spruce this blog up a bit) later...

I know I am obsessive.

Top 5 things I constantly think of doing, but won't do because I'm slightly better off NOT:

1. Moving back into my parents' house... to use the money I'm blowing away in rent to pay off my debts in half the time (around two and a half years instead of 5).

2. Whoring myself out... or doing anything else illegal but lucrative that doesn't require/involve firearms, just for some pocket change... so I can live a slightly more intense life while I'm still considered young.

3. Cheating on Dave - only for sex and the bit of romance I crave while I'm poor and in need of an emotional high of sorts.

4. Moving out of the Bay Area and starting a completely new life in another big, brite city on the US coast.

5. Giving religion another chance... at least reconsidering and exploring the possibility of life after death.

I still love classical music, the stuff that penetrates to the true core of me and elicits emotions that I don't otherwise experience in everyday life... anymore. I don't think anyone in my circle of friends has the same or even AN appreciation for classical music. For some silly (or maybe not so silly) reason, I equate level of appreciation of such things with level of depth...

Sometimes, but only sometimes, that bothers me... the seeming lack of someone in my life who can feel to the same depth or feels simply similarly. Maybe I'd have to make music with someone to feel that level with another person... I sort of feel an emptiness without a musician in my life. Hm... or maybe what I'm really missing is MYSELF the musician...

GREAT. A brand-spankin new year that already has too much pressure to be hell of a lot better than 2001... I really hope it can live up. I hope *I* can live up to the expectations I have of myself for the coming year as well.

This morning I woke up and headed straight to the internet to search for a higher-paying, more secure job. It's mid-morning, and I'm already discouraged. I still have a lot of thinking to do... need direction. But I don't feel as if I have enough options rite now. Without any money to begin with, I can't take any classes that will help me jumpstart an actual career... can't take many risks in how/where I spend my time. Need to keep on earning money, no matter what... even if it's not much.

Last nite, I was thinking that if I started a band I'd call us Orifice. But then I looked on the internet and found out the name is already taken... several times.

I could have more money by moving back to my parents' home... and using the extra 6k or so a year to pay off my debts. I wrestle with this option frequently.

I don't always feel as if I have a boyfriend. I mean, I am completely aware that I have one, and he's been great. But he seems like such a given... Probably because I haven't been single in so long that having a boyfriend seems to me like having parents...

In the ideal, I would find a guy that's got a combo of the best characteristics of the lot of men I've gotten involved with: Albert's music ambition and artsy-ness; Psycho-ex's sappy, flattering romantic side, openness, and sculpted bod; Brian's genius, uniqueness, athleticism, creativity, sense of humor, taste in music and movies, level of masculinity, and sensitive sweetness; Dave's indulgence, financial success drive, and babyish antics; the libido of the guys I've had flings with and/or lusted over. Such a man might exist, and if I met him I'd need to brush up on my charm and appeal.

I saw the movie A Beautiful Mind last nite. Schizophrenia is quite an interesting condition, as portrayed (and perhaps also slightly glamorized) in the movie. The movie focused a lot more on how the condition affected those around John Nash, and not as much as how he felt about it. The lack of insight into his feelings made him appear to be relatively content in his madness... in that unreal world where he actually had close, interesting friends and an extremely important purpose. Doesn't sound like to me like such a bad a life. There must be much that the movie left out...

I feel a bit depersonalized these days. Maybe I am too focused on a couple of things, not that that's a bad thing... I've been doing mostly what's beneficial for just me instead of what's beneficial for me AND the group(s) around me. (The movie last nite made me think about this...) And the result is that I'm not focusing so much on changing myself to be better for my friends or others in addition to myself for all my intents and pursposes. I'm making some new year's resolutions that I hope I'll stick to... because ultimately it's in my best interest to keep myslf interesting enough for ppl to wanna involve me in their lives regularly.

2001. Not the best year of my life, but I can fairly say it's not been close to the worst one yet. (There's always those years w/ Psycho-ex.) It's ending on a more positive note than it started.

All in all, I'm in the best living and financial situation possible at this time and w/ what I've got to work with. I'm getting the max out of every cent I make. Not many regrets about how I went about my biz this year, tho truth be told, I can remember so few things about it...

2001
******
New hobbies:
rollerhockey, fantasy nba, cooking (assisted), blogging (tho not frequently), large group sports activities

Dropped hobbies:
buying one or more new outfit(s) once a month, playing badminton, hanging out w/ bi-sexual women, answering email, answering cell phone calls, getting monthly facials, manicures & pedicures, cutting & coloring my hair every two months, flirting, running, indulging in expensive activities in general

New men:
N/A

New fetishes:
slightly chunky, and large anything... esp. nipples and lips

Guilts:
1) the way I broke up with Brian
2) allowing Dave to pay for most of what we do together

I'm looking out for myself before others, and that's my bottom line these days.

Known faults:
envy of the more affluent, inability to make activity committments - VERY flaky, always late

2002
******
Resolutions:
lose those extra 10 pounds, get a higher-paying permanent job, maintain better posture, be a little more "sunny," be less late, spend more time w/ friends learning about the details of their lives

Song of the day: Seven Days - Craig David

Time for some cheesy fiction.

Tackle football in the drizzle... The sun was setting, and the chill started to set in. But competition and comaraderie drove the group to keep on playing hard, though muscles were sore and bones were bruised. The score was pretty even... but that will soon change, she mused as she ran to get open for a pass from the QB. He saw her wide open, and sent the ball straight into her ready hands... Off she sprinted, not looking at all behind her. This is the win, she thought... as she got within a several steps of the endzone... Suddenly, she felt hands on both sides of her waist...

You're goin down now sweetie...

The next thing she felt was his body thumping into her back after his arms curled around her... pushing her forward toward the ground at great speed. Her shoulder slammed into the muddy grass, and an instant later he was pulling her with him as he came down and rolled around in the mess. When they came to a stop, she shook her head to rid of the dizziness, and took one look at the tackler... She saw in his eyes the playful taunt of a regular rival.

Too slow, too weak, Cali girl!

Oh yeah, you think? She rose up first and pushed him back into the ground with her arm... but not before he had grabbed it and once again pulled her along with him into the dirtiness. They wrestled for the dominant position for the next couple of seconds. There was a ripping sound as his shirt tore at the collar... and she found herself with the upperhand. She had him in a straddle as rubbed his face into the mud and asked him... Who wants his mommy now, huh?

Suddenly, his back arched, and he toppled her over onto her side. He was up and on top of her before she had a chance to recover. Feisty little bitch, you are...

She felt his weight and heat and smelled the sweat of his attempts to bring her down. She writhed to get out from under him, grunting a bit with each bit of effort. But he was too strong and heavy to overturn... and when she gave up and stopped moving, and they were almost still, panting into each other's faces, chests pounding hard from the struggle and from the challenge.

And then... Ohhh, my god... She was suddenly comsumed by that delicious feeling.... rising from her belly, through her chest, up her throat, and into her mouth... The undeniable chemistry that had been there from the very beginning, since the day they had first met, rose to the occassion in a hurry... This passion between them to show each other up had masked a latent and yet unfulfilled desire... She so wanted him, violently and forcefully...

She had been completely oblivious to the people standing around the two of them, enjoying the scene she had started, until... Oh go get a room!

The next instant, she was back to reality. She shook him off and jumped up quickly, ready for another attempt to score...

It's funny how a bad kiss can totally dispel a torrid crush. Could be the way the lips feel or taste, or the technique and type of kiss... It's bad, and suddenly the person in front of u is no longer the cause of sleepless nites and anxious daydreams. There you are, snapped out of your little fantasy...

Kisses say volumes. They provide insight into the level of passion the person is able to bestow upon you. They tell you WHO (type of person) you're kissing...

Do not PECK me. I dig big, luscious lips... slow, full-mouth, probing kisses...

A bit frustrated... 'cuz I have stuff to put up on this blog, but not enough time to do so. I've had a lot of work to do lately. And when I go home, and after I eat and workout, that's the end of my day...

I like being busy here at work. Makes me feel responsible for something other than my personal life. I don't necessarily like to stop what I'm doing and take the time to record what I've been up to here... but I know I must. Or I will remember nothing...